This teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'Contagious.'
She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. "Carl," she says.
Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, beause they're contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"
Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class.
"Yes, Johnny?" she says.
Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paint brush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."
Q: Which is the most dificult sport in the world to watch?
Ans: Women's doubles tennis because nine balls bounce at a time and u r in confusion which one to watch...
............ ......... ......... ......... ...
Man and Wife r watching a Boxing match.
Husb says: 'Disgusting. It was ALL OVER in 4 minutes'.
Wife comments: "NOW you know how I Feel.?
............ ......... ......... ......... ...
Pehelay haath mein lo .
Phir moon mein lo .
Phir thuk lagao .
Phir ander ghusao
Kitna Mushkil hota hai sui mein dhaaga daalna.
............ ......... ......... ......... ...
J- Jumping
A- And
P- Pumping
A- At
N- Night
........... ......... ......... ......... ...
The teacher asked the class if anyone could give the class an example of love.
Little Susie stood up and said, "I saw two robins making a nest together, I think that is love".
Very good said the teacher, anyone else?
Little Johnny stood up and said I think love is "fucking".
The teacher was shocked and told little Johnny to go home and not to come back without a note from his father.
The next morning Little Johnny was back in class, the teacher asked, "Do you have a note from your father?"
Little Johnny said, "No, my father said love is fucking and anyone that says it is not is a cock sucker and he doesn't correspond with cock suckers."
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one, "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go piss."
The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite! What about you Sam, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.
Last year, when one of the fleas got to Miami, he was all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death!
The other flea asked him, "What the hell happened to you?"
The first flea said, "I rode down here from New York in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responded by saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cosy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanked the second flea and said he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by....
When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near froze to death!
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said... I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately..... But when I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy on the Harley...!!!"
Little Johnny was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and though the crime seemed highly improbable, the evidence was overwhelming.
As a last, desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed his tiny penis for all to see.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried, turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small, still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"
Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."
"WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh! God, I'm coming! I'm coming!' and if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
A university lecturer reminds her students of next day’s final exam.
"Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter.
When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
One day, Little Johnny's teacher asked the class, "Children, if you know the answer, please raise your hand! Tell me things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Jane." teacher said, "Anyone else?"
"How about a lollipop?" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!" the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!"
The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny's answer.
Then the teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
"Well, last night when I passed my parents' bedroom", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a Ruppe coin.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a Tea stall in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of Tea.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her Tea cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the Tea stall without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Income Tax Dept."
*******
On `Vidai`(the departure of the bride after a Hindu wedding), a brides father hands over a note to the son in law, which read, `Goods once delivered, shall not be taken back`!!!!
The groom not be left behind instantly writes back, `Guarantee voids if seal is broken`.
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife. I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that, by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, a faxed letter waited for him:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Your Wife
Patient: mujhe problem hai. Na khaon to bhook lagti hai, na sou to neend aati hai, zyada kaam kar ke thak jata hoon.
Doctor : sari raat dhoop main baitho theek ho jao gaye.
~~~~~~~~~
Sardar ji was buying ticket on every station.
Friend: why don't u buy 1 ticket for the whole trip?
Sardar ji: my doctor told me not to take long trips.
~~~~~~~~~
Sardar: tere result DA ki banya?
Pappu: madam kendi is class vich 1 saal hor lagana hai.
Sardar: phir theek hai, saal chahe 2,3 hor lag jayn, bas fail na hona.
~~~~~~~~~
Vo reshmi baalo
Vo reshmi baalo vali,
Bhuri aankho vali,
Komal hatho or naram pairo vali,
Matakti hui andhere mein,
Tumhare pass aayegi aur dhire se,
Bolegi.., "Miyaaau"…
............ ......... ......... ......... ....
Abe khajur,
Zoo se bhage hue langur,
Abe sade hue kele ke chilke,
Chuse hue am,
Circus ke retired bandar,
Aisa kisi ko na kehna,
Feel hota hai!
........... ......... ......... ......... ....
Jahan Dosti hain Wahan Pyaar hain,
Jahan Pyaar hain Waha Ishq hai,
Jahan Ishq hain Wahan Mohabbat,
Jahan Mohabbat hain Wahan Judaai,
Jahan Judaai wahan Dard,
Jahan Dard wahan ZANDU Balm!
............ ......... ......... ......... ....
Chand pe ghata chaati to hogi,
Sitaroon ko bhi neend aati to hogi...
Tum lakh chupao duniya se magar,
Akele me apni surat pe hansi aati to hogi....
............ ......... ......... ......... ....
Kaisi biwi
Father: Tumhe kaisi biwi chahiye?
Son: Mujhe chand jai si biwi chahiye, Jo raat ko aaye aur subha chali jaye!
............ ......... ......... ......
Teacher:" What is your name?".
Student: " Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:" When I ask a question in English, answer it in English."
Student:" My name is Sunlight
............ ......... ......... ......
Bhikari: sahab ek rupiya de do.
Sahab: tumhe sharam nahi aati, road par khade hokar bhikh mangte.
Bhikari: abe tere ek rupiye ke liye office kholu kya
............ ......... ......... ......
Wife: kaash main newspaper hoti din bhar tumhare hathon me rehti.
Hus: meri bhi yahi dua hai rab se issi bahane her din nayi nayi to milti.
............ ......... ......... ......
Munabai-Are, Yar ye barish ke waqt bijali Q chamakti hain?
Circit-Bhai, Bole to uparwala torch mar ke dekhta hoga ki,
Sala koi NANGA to nahi naha raha..
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
Santa: Main Ne SANIA MIRZA
Se Phone Par Baat Ki..
Banta: That’s Great Yaar..
Uss Ne Kya Kaha..??
Santa: Uss Ne Kaha..
Sorry
Wrong Number..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bandar ki Beti Apne Bap se Boli Papa Papa Mujhe Shadi Karni Hai.
Beta thoda intazar karo kyonki.
Dulha Abhi SMS Read Kar Raha hai.
............ ......... ............
What's Ford?
Santa: Gadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gadi.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **
A talking Frog told Lalu, Lalu, you don't have any brain.
Lalu said, I have it.
Frog repeated, No you don't.
Excited Lalu yelled, Yes, I have it.
Angry Frog, screamed, No hell, you don't. And Frog jumps into the water.
Perturbed Lalu mumbled to himself, There was no need to drown and commit suicide for it!!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......
The newly married wife goes to the store to buy personal things for the husband. She inquires about the deodorant for the men.
The salesman asks, "Do you want the ball type."
The wife says, "No this is for his underarms."
............ ......... ......... ......... ......
Teacher: U idiots! At your age Einstein ranked first in class. Wt abt u..?
Student: Sir at your age Hitler committed suicide..! Wt abt u..?
............ ......... ......... ......... ......
Boy to girl: Hey if i climb this coconut tree, I can see Engg college girls.
Girl: Leave both the hands from there, U can see medical college girls..
-----------------------------------------------------
Mirror Desire
Lalu spoke in love, "Why don't you and I go to some place where there is nobody."
Pyari flirted, "You won't make any mischief with me there, would you?"
Lalu assured in fright, "Not at all"
Pyari angered, "Then why the hell you want to go to there?"
~~~~~~~~~
Always listen to your wife, she gives sound advice :
99% Sound and 1% Advice….
~~~~~~~~~
A student In a interview:
How does an electric motor run?
Student:dhuurrrr
Interviewer shouts: stop it.
Student: dhurr dhp dp dup dup.
~~~~~~~~~
Girlfriends r like chocolates, taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Wives r like Dal RICE, eaten when there's no choice.
~~~~~~~~
Ouch!
Ouch! It's too tight.
Don't worry,sweetheart ! We'll try to do it slowly.Push it in .
Aah! I can't. It's painful.
Ok,sweetheart, Let's get another..... .... WEDDING RING
............ ......... ......... ......... ......
The Top 5 answ. Given by girls in India when a boy proposes.
1)No
2)R u mad
3)i alwys looked u like a good friend
4)i don't belive in love
5)Sorry i love someone
............ ......... ......... ......... ......
A Toilet is like a committee meeting.
People come with lot of pressure, sit, create a lot of noise, and ultimately DROP THE MATTER.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......
Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
Mrs. Smith: Yes, thirteen.
Groucho: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
Mrs. Smith: Well, I love my husband.
Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
----------------------------------------------------
Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh : Ok
Interviewer : Made in India
Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer : Good… Keep it Up
Banta Singh : Bad…. Put it Down
Interviewer : Maxi Mum
Banta Singh : Mini Dad
Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Insufficient! Don’t take my seat
Interviewer : Idiot! Take your seat
Banta Singh : Clever! Don’t take my seat
Interviewer : I say you get out!
Banta Singh : You didn’t say I come in
Interviewer : I reject you!
Banta Singh : You appoint me.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
Munna Bhai: Aay circuit, baapu bole to Gandhi ji
Kapde kyun nahi pehantay thay?
Circuit: Bhai bole to baapu bhi us time
Ke Salmaan Khan thay!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maths teacher asked JOHNY
“If u have 12 chocalate and u give 5 to DONA,
3 to ALICE and 4 to ROMA then what will u get ?
JOHNY replied “Sir! 3 new girl friends”.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar built 2 Swimming Pools. And he left one of them unfilled, why?
When asked him, he said,
"Oye, that’s for those who don’t know Swimming.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
U can control ur breadth,not ur death.
U can control ur life but not wife...
U can control emotions.... .but not
Loose motions..ha ha
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *
Is duniya me flirt ki koi kami nahi...
Suraj ko hi dekhlo,
Wo aata hai Usha ke sath,
Jata Sandhya ke sath,
Sota Nisha ke sath,
Aur uthta Kiran ke sath...
~~~~~~~~~
Pathan's wife: Jaan ek puppy do na.
Pathan: kocha! Ghar main khaanay k liye paisa nahi hai, aur tujhe kuttay ka bacha chahiye.
~~~~~~~~~
Ek Pathan ke pass blank message aya,
Pathan us number pe phone kar k bola. :"tum ko pata hai yara, tumhare mobile ka ink khatam ho gaya hai."
~~~~~~~~~
Wife: suniye g aap ka dost galat ladki se shaadi kar raha hai. Aap usse rokte kyon nahi?
Husband: main kyon rokon? Us NE mujhe roka tha kya.
~~~~~~~~~
Girl's excuses:
Phone mat kiya karo dear,
mom hoti hai near,
papa se lagta hai fear,
baat nahin hoti hai clear
Isliye SMS kiya karo dear
without fear n very clear
***************
Q: Agar do pipal ke Pedon ko ek rassi se
baandh diya jaye to us rassi ko kya kahenge?
A: Us rassi ko bolengey NOKIA - Connecting pipal
***************
Ek yug tha jab log apne ghar ke dwar pe
likhte the: ATITHI DEVO BHAVA
Phir likha: SHUBH LABH
Phir likhne lage: U R WELCOME
Aur ab likhte hain: KUTTON SE SAVDHAN
***************
Khuda kare tujhe khushiyan hazaar mile,
mujhse bhi achche yaar mile,
meri girlfriend tujhe raakhi baandhe
aur tujhe ek aur behan ka pyar mile
***************
It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper
that we use to write one exam.
Join us in promoting the noble cause
of saving trees. SAY NO TO EXAMS
***************
Ek ladka ek ladki k saath baitha tha.
2nd day doosri ladki k saath dekha gaya.
3rd day koi aur ladki thi.
4th day kisi nayi ladki ke saath tha
Moral: Ladkiyan badal jaati hain, ladke nahin badaltey
***************
Angry boss: Tumne kabhi Ullu dekha hai?
Executive (sar jhukate hue): Nahin sir.
Boss: Niche kya dekh rahe ho ? Meri taraf dekho.
***************
In art gallery
In art gallery : couple sees picture of a girl covered by leaf.
Husband keet watching her.
Wife : ab chaloge bhi ya Hawa k aane ka intezar karte raho gey?
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...
Sardar sharab peeta ro raha tha.
Sharab wala : kyon ro rahe ho?
Sardar : aur kya karoon? Main jis ladki ka naam bhulana chata hoon. Us ka naam yaad hi nahi aa raha.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...
Wife : I will die.
Husband : I will also die.
Wife : why do u want to die?
Husband : because main itni khushi bardasht nahi kar sakta.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...
Maa: beti tum sari raat kahan thi?
Beti: main sari raat apne boy friend ke saath thi.
Maa: to kar aayee apna muh kala.
Beti: to kya hua fair & lovely hai na.
Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11 cr after
deducting tax.
Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 crore or else return my Rs.20 back.
****
Sardar proposed to a Girl
Girl said 'I'm 1 year older to you'
Sardar replied: 'Oye No Problem Soniye, I'll marry you NEXT
YEAR.
****
Sardar: I hav'nt slept all nite in the train.
Friend: Y?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Y did'nt u Xchnged?
Sardar: oye, there was nobody 2 Xchng in the lower berth..
****
Sardar tells a girl "Come 2 my house at nite, nobody will b
there....... ...... Girl goes at night & realy nobody was there
****
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.
****
Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?
****
19 SARDARS WENT 4A FILM.ON ASKING THEM Y THEY CAME IN A BIG GROUP OF 19?
THEY REPLIED THAT THE FILM WAS ONLY FOR ABOVE 18...
****
Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth......
WHY?
because his doctor advised 'light' dinner.
****
Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as
to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote : Yes!
****
Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It"s already
raining. Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.
****
Santa! Your daughter has died!
Depressed, Sardar jumps from 100th floor
At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!
At 25flr:I'm unmarried!
At 10flr:I'm Banta not santa
****
What does a sardar do after taking a xerox?
He will compare it with the original for any spelling mistakes.
****
Sardar & his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Sardar says... Drink quickly..... .
Wife asks why...
sardar says hot coffee Rs5 and cold coffee Rs10
****
Sardar's wish :when i die,i wanna die like my grandpa who died peacefuly
in his sleep not screaming like all d passengers in d car he was
driving..
****
Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what
you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!
****
Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing 2 my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.
****
Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab .
Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..
****
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
Man says CHIN YU YAN n dies.
Srdr goes2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words.
It is 'U R STANDNG ON THE OXYGEN TUBE!"
****
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing ?
He said-I m seeing how i look while sleeping.
Banta: When I get mad at u, u never fight back. How do u control ur anger?
Preeto: I clean the toilet.
Banta: How does that help?
Preeto: I use ur toothbrush.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Jeeto: U know, husband & wife aren't allowed to be together in heaven!
Santa: Yes, I do.That's why it's called heaven!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa had a dream in which someone murdered him. Next day he closed his bank account. Know why?
Because the bank's slogan was: We make your dreams come true...
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa opened A College. Guess the Name of College?
The Name of the the College was: WOMEN`S COLLEGE FOR BOYS
-------------------------------------------------------------
Pappu: Dad, what is an idiot?
Santa: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Pappu: No.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa found the answer to the most difficult question ever: What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: what do u call a person who cannot hear anything?
Santa: U can call him anything, because he cannot hear anything.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Angry Santa to his son: Have you ever seen an owl?
Pappu: (Looking down) No...
Santa: Don't look down. Look at me.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa: I got married because I was tired of cooking, cleaning home and washing clothes.
Banta: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor asks Santa to give urine sample, stool & sperm sample for his yearly checkup.
Santa: I'm in a hurry doc, can I leave my underwear!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Interviewer: What is skeleton?
Santa: Skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it..!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa sent SMS to his BOSS: Me sick, no work.
Boss SMS back: When I am sick I kiss my wife try it.
Two hours later Santa sms 2 boss: Me ok, ur wife very sweet.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Shopkeeper: This sweater's made of pure virgin wool sir.
Santa: You see I am not interested in the morals of the sheep. Just tell me, will it keep me warm?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa: How's Ur Sex Life?
Banta: As ususal great, Monday to Friday.
Santa: What about the weekends?
Banta: Weekends? Oh! that time I'm at home, relaxing with my wife.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Banta to his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Banta: So what, take an umbrella and go.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Postman: I have to come 5 miles to deliver u this packet.
Santa: Why did u come so far. Instead U could have posted it.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Why did Santa sleep with a scale?
Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept.
-------------------------------------------------------------
What a rip-off! Santa picked up a book called 37 Mating Positions. He goes home, opens it... and it turns out to be a book on chess!
-------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman and Banta inside the toilet.
Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?
Banta: Gud evening, we open the zip and do.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa bought a car on loan... He didn't pay the dues, the bank took away his car.
Santa: If I knew this, I'd have taken a loan for my marriage also!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Banta was driving his car in a zigzag fashion on the road. Traffic inspector stopped him.
Banta: I'm learning car driving.
Inspector: Without the instructor?
Banta: Correspondence Course!
-------------------------------------------------------------
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Pappu! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "Cartoon Network, Ten Sports, Discovery Channel and Pogo!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: U call ur mother as MUM... what'll u call ur mother's younger sister & elder sister?
Santa's son: Mini Mum & Maxi Mum!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa's father gave him a gun on wedding night & said: Fire in air if ur wife is virgin, shoot her if not.
Santa fired in air 1st night & shot her 2nd night.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Boss: I'm giving u driver's job. Starting salary Rs. 3000, is it OK ?
Santa: U R great sir! Starting salary is Ok but how much is DRIVING salary?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa & Banta were looking at Egyptian mummy.
Santa: Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case. Banta: Aaho, lorry number is also written... BC 1760 !!!.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Banta: What do you call a wife who is beautiful, intelligent, understanding, caring, never jealous and a great cook?
Santa: Niri Afwah !!!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa gets a Cheque & throws it on the ground. Can you Guess why?
To see whether it'll BOUNCE or not!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Banta was traveling in an auto rickshaw with his wife. The driver adjusted the mirror.
Banta shouted: U r trying to see my wife, sit back, I'll drive!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa looked in the mirror & said: Seems I've seen him some where.
Then he says: Oh yes! He's the same bastard who was standing next to my wife in my wedding album.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Pappu: Dad what's Sex?
Santa gets tensed but explains everything.
Pappu: But dad how do I write all that in this small box of school admission form?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa declares: I'll never marry in my life and I'll give same advice to my children also.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa: I'd like some Vitamins for my son.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C ?
Santa: Any will do as my son doesn't know the albhabets yet.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Gal: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
Banta: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest.
-------------------------------------------------------------
What's an adult joke?
Santa: Any joke which is eighteen years old.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa: What is the similarity between Bill Gates and Me?
Banta: Don't know.
Santa: Well... He never comes to my house & I never go to his!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa & Banta are walking down the road when Banta says: Look at that dog with one eye!
Santa covers one of his eyes and says: Where?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Girl: Will you love me after marriage also?
Santa: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Jeeto to Santa: Stop looking at girls, u r married now.
Santa: U mean if I am on diet, I can't look at the menu also?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa drinking heavily in bar gets up and farts loudly. Man next to him: Excuse me, but you just farted before my wife.
Santa: Sorry, I didn't know it was her turn
-------------------------------------------------------------
Heights of Friendship: Santa commiting suicide, someone asked the reason. He said: My wife ran with my friend and I can't live without my friend.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa: I tried your number so many times, it always said 'Switched Off'!"
Banta: Nooo, it's my HELLO TUNE!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa was writing the passive voice of 'I made a mistake.'
He wrote: I was made by a mistake.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa to his son: I think it's right time we should talk about sex!
Pappu: Sure dad, what do u wanna know...?
-------------------------------------------------------------
An ATM's jammed & failed when operated by Santa. Why? B'coz he put a pin from his turban when asked: Enter ur Pin
-------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Pappu, describe digestive system of a human being.
Pappu: Very simple, it starts with right hand & ends with left hand.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on Escalators.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Lady Secretary: Sir, it's your wife's call. She wants to kiss you on the phone.
Santa: Take message and give me later.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa: What food you feed your new born baby?
Beautiful young Mom: Breast milk & Orange juice...
Santa: Oye, which side is orange juice?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa was busy in removing a wheel from auto, Banta asks: Why are you removing a wheel from your auto?
Santa: Can't you read 'Parking for two wheelers only'
-------------------------------------------------------------
See what a spelling mistake can do...
Santa went to Goa. Sent SMS to his wife: Having a wonderful time, wish u were Her
-------------------------------------------------------------
Banta: Some people can tell time by looking at the sun.
Santa: But I've never been able to see the numbers
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from NASA to SATYANASA
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna enjoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets
Jeeto: Why 3?
Santa: For u n ur parents
-------------------------------------------------------------
Banta: Y do u take ur wife only to night clubs?
Santa: By the time she gets ready no other place is open
-------------------------------------------------------------
Museum Administrator: That's a 500 year old statue u've broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Banta: I've discovered the origin of the word Good-Bye
Santa: Oh, yeah? What's it? Banta: Many years ago, some husband said to his wife, 'I'm leaving u!' & the wife said: Good! Bye!
-------------------------------------------------------------
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Santa: Control urself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Banta: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Banta: U looked troubled, what's ur prob?
Santa: I'm going to b a father
Banta: But, that's wonderful
Santa: What's wonderful! My wife doesn't know about it yet
-------------------------------------------------------------
Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu's skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That's Tipu's skeleton when he was child
-------------------------------------------------------------
Banta: Y did u buy ur wife a huge diamond ring for her B'day? I thought she wanted a car.
Santa: She did, but where in the world was I going to find a fake car?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa: If I die will u remarry?
Jeeto: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Santa: No, I'll also stay with ur sister
-------------------------------------------------------------
Jeeto & Preeto were talking about their new milkman.
Jeeto: He's very good looking, punctual & dresses so smartly.
And so quickly too!, said Preeto
-------------------------------------------------------------
A man to Santa: Ur friend is kissing ur wife in ur home.
Santa rushes home and came back within half an hour n slapped the man n said: He's not my friend.
-------------------------------------------------------------
While walking in the highlands Santa fell down a deep hole.
Banta: R u ok?
Santa: Yeah!
Banta: Did u break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Couple of seconds later he received a report on his phone and he started to dance. The report said: 'Delivered'
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa was standing in sun on a hot sunny day.
Banta asked: What are you doing?
Santa: Drying sweat
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing and he answered: Waiting for autumn.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Jeeto yelled at Santa: U're gonna b really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!
Santa: Make up ur mind! Which one is it gonna be?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn't come back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else.
-------------------------------------------------------------
A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.
Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out
-------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Pappu while filling up a form: What should I write against mother tongue.?
Santa: Very long.....!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Banta asked Santa: Why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in evening?
Santa: Very simple, because he is PM not AM
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Nurse came out with the newborn kid, Santa rushed 2 her & after seeing the kid he shouted, PUTTAR hua PUTTAR. She slapped him: Leave my finger, u fool, It's a gal
-------------------------------------------------------------
Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?
Santa: I may also die.
Jeeto: Why?
Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa: What's difference between man & Superman?
Pappu: Man wears underwear under the trouser & superman wears it over the trouser.
-------------------------------------------------------------
