One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?"
The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?
"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied . He went to a sex shop & explained his situation.
The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!'
The husband said 'The what'? The man repeated
The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped & returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, and after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch'. The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind -shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink officer.
You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me...'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right...Voodoo Penis, my ass....!'
The rest, as they say, is history...
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
A long period of silence ensued and the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me"?
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm".
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them"?
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you"?
"Yes, Sister"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can produce life.."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father that's wonderful ....,
So why don't you stick it in the camel, give it life ... and let's get the fuck out of here."
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope........ . Just when it's raining".
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies, "A cock".
He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but.... A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says, "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says, "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them Rs.300.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to findout?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married And we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Oberoi charges Rs. 2500, Taj charges Rs.2000, Le Meridian charges Rs.1500.
We do it here for Rs.300, and I get that back from Mediclaim.
Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God Bless America !
It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to at least 5 people, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are in the position of posing as a national threat.
This teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'Contagious.'
She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. "Carl," she says.
Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, beause they're contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"
Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class.
"Yes, Johnny?" she says.
Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paint brush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."
Q: Which is the most dificult sport in the world to watch?
Ans: Women's doubles tennis because nine balls bounce at a time and u r in confusion which one to watch...
............ ......... ......... ......... ...
Man and Wife r watching a Boxing match.
Husb says: 'Disgusting. It was ALL OVER in 4 minutes'.
Wife comments: "NOW you know how I Feel.?
............ ......... ......... ......... ...
Pehelay haath mein lo .
Phir moon mein lo .
Phir thuk lagao .
Phir ander ghusao
Kitna Mushkil hota hai sui mein dhaaga daalna.
............ ......... ......... ......... ...
J- Jumping
A- And
P- Pumping
A- At
N- Night
........... ......... ......... ......... ...
The teacher asked the class if anyone could give the class an example of love.
Little Susie stood up and said, "I saw two robins making a nest together, I think that is love".
Very good said the teacher, anyone else?
Little Johnny stood up and said I think love is "fucking".
The teacher was shocked and told little Johnny to go home and not to come back without a note from his father.
The next morning Little Johnny was back in class, the teacher asked, "Do you have a note from your father?"
Little Johnny said, "No, my father said love is fucking and anyone that says it is not is a cock sucker and he doesn't correspond with cock suckers."
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one, "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go piss."
The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite! What about you Sam, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.
Last year, when one of the fleas got to Miami, he was all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death!
The other flea asked him, "What the hell happened to you?"
The first flea said, "I rode down here from New York in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responded by saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cosy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanked the second flea and said he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by....
When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near froze to death!
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said... I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately..... But when I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy on the Harley...!!!"
Little Johnny was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and though the crime seemed highly improbable, the evidence was overwhelming.
As a last, desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed his tiny penis for all to see.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried, turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small, still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"
Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."
"WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh! God, I'm coming! I'm coming!' and if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
A university lecturer reminds her students of next day’s final exam.
"Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter.
When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
One day, Little Johnny's teacher asked the class, "Children, if you know the answer, please raise your hand! Tell me things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Jane." teacher said, "Anyone else?"
"How about a lollipop?" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!" the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!"
The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny's answer.
Then the teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
"Well, last night when I passed my parents' bedroom", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a Ruppe coin.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a Tea stall in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of Tea.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her Tea cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the Tea stall without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Income Tax Dept."
*******
On `Vidai`(the departure of the bride after a Hindu wedding), a brides father hands over a note to the son in law, which read, `Goods once delivered, shall not be taken back`!!!!
The groom not be left behind instantly writes back, `Guarantee voids if seal is broken`.
