Ghost chat

Two ghosts met and both chat about how they died.

1st ghost : How u died?

2nd ghost : I died of cold.

1st ghost : How does it feel when you're dying in cold?

2nd ghost : Actually, I was  accidentally locked  in the refrigerator.

Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the whole world was dark and I died suffocating.

1st ghost :  Wow what a horrible way to die....

2nd ghost : How about you? How u die?

1st ghost : I died from heart attack.

2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack?

1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man.

One day, when I came back from work, saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone.

I must find where that bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing.

Because  of all that running,I got a heart attack and died.

2nd ghost :   Why  you  never look for the bastard in the fridge? The bastard was hiding there. We both might be  alive now!!

Extra Marital Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Mediclaim

A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital.





The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"





The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"





The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.





When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them Rs.300.




This happened several weeks in a row.





The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.





Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to findout?"





The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.





She's married And we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.





The Oberoi charges Rs. 2500, Taj charges Rs.2000, Le Meridian charges Rs.1500.





We do it here for Rs.300, and I get that back from Mediclaim.

Advise Mafia Style

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.'


'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?'



'Looka here sonnie. Somma day you gonna runna da business..you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.'


'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then. pointa  to you watch and say 'Times up'?'

TWO LADIES TALKING IN HEAVEN..

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.

But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS! .... ;")