COMPLETELY FINISHED

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.

Some people say there is no difference between 
COMPLETE & FINISHED.

I beg to differ because, there is!!!

When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE"..

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!   

Influence of Anesthesia

In a recovery room a man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery.


His wife was sitting by his side holding his hand. His eyelids just opened for a few seconds.
He looked at his wife as if he was returning from out of body experience, hallowed by bright white light. With a broken smile and in a groggy voice he mumbled at his wife, "You are so beautiful."


Then he fell asleep and started snoring again waking up other recovering room surgery patients and annoying nurses.”


His wife had never seen him so ugly and yet so romantic. So she suppressed all her disgust of environment, held his hand tighter and chose to stuck there for a while.


After a while the man opens his eyelids again but wider and for longer time. He loves the comfort of his wife and says, "You are cute!"


The wife was disgusted, threw his hand on the bed and demanded an explanation, “It was ‘beautiful’, last time and how it is 'cute' this time. What happened to my beauty?”


The man answered, “Honey, I am recovering to reality from the influence of Anesthesia.

Wife from Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”




The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”


The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”


The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”




And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”


U'll love this part....


'Only when he's been drinking.'

Husband Wife - Brain

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her :Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state  I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...

I ALMOST DIED!!

Moral:

1. Think about what you wish for..
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male

Be smart....pick your doctor smartly !

बहुत दिनों से बीमार एक कर्मचारी की पत्नि बोली:

इस बार जानवरों के डॉक्टर को दिखाओ तभी ठीक हो पाओगे.

पति: वो क्यों?

बीवी: रोज़ सुबह *मुर्गे *की तरह जल्दी उठ जाते हो

*घोड़े* की तरह जल्दी ऑफिस चले जाते हो

*गधे* की तरह दिन भर काम करते हो

*लोमड़ी* की तरह इधर उधर से information बटोर कर report बनाते हो

*बन्दर *की तरह बॉस के इशारे पर नाचते हो

घर आकर परिवार पर *कुत्ते* की तरह चिल्लाते हो

*सुअर* की तरह खाने पर टूट पड़ते हो

और फिर *भैंस *की तरह सो जाते हो

इंसानों का डॉक्टर क्या खाक तुम्हें ठीक कर पाएगा !!

Wife

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?

The mafia wants either ur money or life...

The wives want both!

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Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.

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No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied

with 4 things in life.

(1) Mobile

(2) Automobile

(3) TV

(4) Wife

Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.

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Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`

Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.

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Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.

It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

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Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.

Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

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Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

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A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married.

He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

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It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country,

but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!

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Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:

All girls are devils,

but my wife is the queen

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of them

THE FUNNIES ON LIFE

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

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Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

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For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often ?

The Guys' Rules

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear " the rules " From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

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1. Men are NOT mind readers.

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1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

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1. Crying is blackmail.

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1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

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1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

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1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

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1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

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1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

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1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

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1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

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1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

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1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

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1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

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1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

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1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

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1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

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1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

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1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really .

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1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

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1. You have enough clothes.

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1. You have too many shoes.

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1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

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1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

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Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!

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Meaning of WIFE

Three friends, one Bengali, one Punjabi and one Tamil were travelling in train. After discussing many more things - one of the friends asked, " Now please let us discuss - What is the meaning of WIFE ?"

First turn to tell the meaning of wife was Bengali. The Bengali started," Wife is like a book. Read it, read it; when you fed up keep aside it."

Next turn was of Tamilian. The Tamilian started, "Wife is like a rose. Smell it, smell it; when you fed up. Throw it".

Third and last turn was of Punjabi, "Wife is like a casette. Listen it, listen it; when you are fed up, reverse it".

Its all about Wives

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong .

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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."

I asked her, "Where's the car?"

She replied, "In the lake."

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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got myself two girlfriends.

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."

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It's not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.

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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.