DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Courtesy Towards Lady

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.




Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.



Son: But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's Lap. 

Bad Hearing

A old man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"


The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."


He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?"


She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!"

THE FUNNIES ON LIFE

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

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Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

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For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often ?

MORAL OF THE STORY

The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk !!!.

Shaadi Ke Pehle Aur Baad

Shaadi ke pehle - Agar Tum Na Hote :(

Shaadi ke baad - Agar Tum Na Hote :)

Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya :)

Shaadi ke baad - Ye Maine Kya Kiya? :(

Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai :)

Shaadi ke baad - Kuch Nahi Hota Hai :(

Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal Hai :)

Shaadi ke baad - Dil To Pagal Tha :(

Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye :)

Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye :(

Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge :)

Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge :(

Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi :)

Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi :(

Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap :)

Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap :(

Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic :)

Shaadi ke baad - Mortgage :(

Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hai Koun? :)

Shaadi ke baad - Barbadi Ka Kaaran :(

Shaadi ke pehle - Yes Boss :)

Shaadi ke baad - Yes Boss :(

Shaadi ke pehle - Mere Sapno Ki Rani :)

Shaadi ke baad - Chutki Ki Amma :(

Shaadi ke pehle - Kabhi Kabhi :)

Shaadi ke baad - If you are lucky :(

Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen :)

Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen? :(

Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Apke Hain :)

Shaadi he baad - Hum Apke Hai Koun? :(

Wife / Whisky

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what Happened.

"I did a terrible thing ," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my Wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back Right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved Her?"

"Oh, No, who the hell wants to love her," said the drunk. "I want her back Because I'm thirsty again!"

Love & Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.

Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.

Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.

Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.

Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.

Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.

Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .

Love is losing your appetite.

Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.

Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Tv has no place in love.

Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.

Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".

Conclusion: "Love is blind , Marriage is an eye opener!"

thats y dont ever open ur eyes...

Its all about Wives

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong .

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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."

I asked her, "Where's the car?"

She replied, "In the lake."

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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got myself two girlfriends.

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."

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It's not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.

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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Husband & Wife - Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.

Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"