To: My loving wife

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an E-MAIL to his wife.


However he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address and without realising his error, he sent the message. Meanwhile,somewhere a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail,


Expecting message from her relatives and friends.; After reading the first message she fainted. 


The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:




To: My loving wife
Subject: I've just reached
Date: 13th Oct 2006


I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to sent e-mails to your loved ones.


I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you.


Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was;


MORAL  OF STORY - be careful while sending mails if not mishaps like these happen

James Bond in heaven

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.

The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking. "M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn't.

M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no.

M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.

"Hello, Mary speaking !"

TWO LADIES TALKING IN HEAVEN..

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.

But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS! .... ;")

Never Make a Woman Angry

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for

Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates and saw a

beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had

loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling

greetings to her, "Hello. How are you! We've been waiting for you!

Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a

wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the

woman asked. "Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her

into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to

watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was

guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh,

I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I

married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were

ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and

I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all

around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water

skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How

do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her

husband asked. "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", she

replied.

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to pay!

NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the supposed

lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters).

Now you've learned a new word.

Heaven & Hell

*HEAVEN IS WHEN YOU HAVE:*

*AN AMERICAN SALARY*

*A BRITISH HOME*

*CHINESE FOOD*

*AN INDIAN WIFE*

********

*HELL IS WHEN YOU HAVE:*

*AN AMERICAN WIFE*

*BRITISH FOOD*

*CHINESE HOME*

*AN INDIAN SALARY*

********

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,

"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,

"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"

"Results," shrugged Saint Peter....... ....

"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

***********

Moral of the story:

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

************

HR Processes

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven ," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening owns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...

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