Wife is a wife..

Ek beemar employee se uski biwi boli - Iss bar koi janwaron ke doctor ko dikhao, tabhi aap theekh hogey…
Pati - Who kyon ?
Biwi - Roz Subah Murge ki tarah jaldi uthh jate ho...
Ghode ki tarah bhag ke office chale jate ho...
Gadhe ki tarah din bhar kaam karte ho...
Lomdi ki tarah idhar-udhar se information batorkar report banatey ho...
Bandar ki tarah boss ke isharon par nachtey ho...
Ghar aakar pariwar par Kutte ki tarah chillatey ho....
Aur fir Bhains ki tarah so jaatey ho.
Insaano ka doctor tumhe kya khakh theekh kar payega...    

JUST A JOKE ONLY.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before."You'll get your chance in court," said the Police officer."No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."

The New Wife

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.


The new wife (progressive Indian woman), was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.


As expected she gave a speech, "My dear family,I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years."


"What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.


"What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws); Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND Those who used to clean should continue cleaning !!!


"And what are you here for Bahurani?" enquired the mother-in-law.


"AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON !!!"

To: My loving wife

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an E-MAIL to his wife.


However he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address and without realising his error, he sent the message. Meanwhile,somewhere a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail,


Expecting message from her relatives and friends.; After reading the first message she fainted. 


The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:




To: My loving wife
Subject: I've just reached
Date: 13th Oct 2006


I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to sent e-mails to your loved ones.


I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you.


Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was;


MORAL  OF STORY - be careful while sending mails if not mishaps like these happen

Devdoot

एक आदमी एक गली से गुजर रहा था कि अचानक एक आवाज आई - रुको ! रुक जाओ ! अगर तुमने एक कदम भी आगे बढ़ाया तो एक ईंट तुम्हारे सिर पर गिरेगी और तुम मर जाओगे।


आदमी ठिठक कर रुक गया। तभी सनसनाती हुई एक ईंट ठीक उसके आगे आकर गिरी। आदमी ने आवाज देने वाले की तलाश में चारों तरफ देखा पर कोई नजर नहीं आया।


आदमी आगे बढ़ गया। जब वह सड़क पार करने ही वाला था कि वही आवाज एक बार फिर गूंजी - रुक जाओ ! अगर एक कदम भी आगे बढ़ाया तो एक कार तुम्हें कुचल देगी।


आदमी फिर रुक गया। तभी एक कार बेतहाशा भागती हुई लगभग उसे छूती हुई निकल गई। अब आदमी से नहीं रहा गया।


उसने पूछा - कौन हो तुम ?


आवाज आई - मैं आपका सेवक और रक्षक देवदूत हूं । मेरा काम आपको मुसीबतों से बचाना है।


आदमी - ओह! अच्छा ! ...... कम्बख्त तुम उस वक्त कहां मर गए थे जब मेरी शादी हो रही थी ..... 

The Price of Beauty

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.


The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.


"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.


"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.


"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.


A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the basket.


"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.


"It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.


Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

Compliment

A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife,




"I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."




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The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Great Sayings On Marriage

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. 
David Bissonette 
*********
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Gui try 
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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. 
Hemant Joshi 
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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates 
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Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. 
Dumas 
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The great question.... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? 
Sigmund Freud 
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"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." 
Sam Kinison 
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"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." 
James Holt McGavran 
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"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." 
Patrick Murray 
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... 
Anonymous 
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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. 
Henny Youngman 
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 
Rodney Dangerfield 
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. 
Milton Berle 
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Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. 
Anonymous 
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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" 
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." 
Anonymous

Husband & Wife

Husband & Wife - Why divorce?
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
*********
Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
*********
Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
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Husband & Wife - Why?
" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
" Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
*********
Husband & Wife - Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
*********
Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband
One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
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Husband & Wife - Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,
"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
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Husband & Wife - No Answer Back
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and  none of them dares to answer back.
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Husband & Wife - Come Home Late
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
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Husband & Wife - Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied,
"I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet
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SATAN

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.


Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"


The man replied, "Yep, sure do."


Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"


"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.


Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"


The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Influence of Anesthesia

In a recovery room a man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery.


His wife was sitting by his side holding his hand. His eyelids just opened for a few seconds.
He looked at his wife as if he was returning from out of body experience, hallowed by bright white light. With a broken smile and in a groggy voice he mumbled at his wife, "You are so beautiful."


Then he fell asleep and started snoring again waking up other recovering room surgery patients and annoying nurses.”


His wife had never seen him so ugly and yet so romantic. So she suppressed all her disgust of environment, held his hand tighter and chose to stuck there for a while.


After a while the man opens his eyelids again but wider and for longer time. He loves the comfort of his wife and says, "You are cute!"


The wife was disgusted, threw his hand on the bed and demanded an explanation, “It was ‘beautiful’, last time and how it is 'cute' this time. What happened to my beauty?”


The man answered, “Honey, I am recovering to reality from the influence of Anesthesia.

Wife from Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”




The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”


The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”


The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”




And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”


U'll love this part....


'Only when he's been drinking.'

Always tell your wife the truth

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.


He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.


At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.    


They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.


After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"


She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.


His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?"


"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."


"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"   
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Moral of the story : Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.    

Newlywed

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,


Although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,


"Honey, I'll be right back... " "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.


"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer. "


The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence,


Because the wife interrupted him by saying,


"You want a frozen glass, puppy face ?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.


The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"


She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.


"But sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that ..." "You want dirty words, Cutie pie?...


LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING NYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?" ....
And, they lived happily ever after.

Best excuse by a female employee!

This incident, is supposed to have happened in real life.


The head of Human Resources at a very large bank, says that the best excuse for absenteeism, that he had ever received in his career of almost 22 years, was from a female Indian employee, at their bank's head quarters at Mumbai, India, in July, 2011.


He says when the lady, was questioned on why she remained absent the previous day,


She simply replied .......


"But sir, I had no option. My husband was on casual leave yesterday and was at home and by mistake he took pills from the wrong bottle in our medicine cabinet and ended up consuming an overdose of Viagra! Now how could I have left him, all alone at home, with the house-maid?"

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.


She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.


She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.


She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.


'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room , 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'


The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.


The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.


'Yes, I do' she replies.


The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.


'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'


'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'


'I remember that too' she replies softly.


He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ...


'I would have been released today.'

Bad Hearing

A old man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"


The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."


He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?"


She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!"

Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.


Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.


The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:


L: Have you any grounds?


P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.


L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?


P: It made of concrete.


L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?


P: No, we have carport, and not need one.


L: I mean. What are your relations like?


P: All my relations still in Poland.


L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?


P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.


L: Does your wife beat you up?


P: No, I always up before her.


L: Is your wife a nagger?


P: No, she white.


L: Why do you want this divorce?


P: She going to kill me.


L: What makes you think that?


P: I got proof.


L: What kind of proof?


P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover".
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Husband Wife - Brain

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her :Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state  I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...

I ALMOST DIED!!

Moral:

1. Think about what you wish for..
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male

Be smart....pick your doctor smartly !

बहुत दिनों से बीमार एक कर्मचारी की पत्नि बोली:

इस बार जानवरों के डॉक्टर को दिखाओ तभी ठीक हो पाओगे.

पति: वो क्यों?

बीवी: रोज़ सुबह *मुर्गे *की तरह जल्दी उठ जाते हो

*घोड़े* की तरह जल्दी ऑफिस चले जाते हो

*गधे* की तरह दिन भर काम करते हो

*लोमड़ी* की तरह इधर उधर से information बटोर कर report बनाते हो

*बन्दर *की तरह बॉस के इशारे पर नाचते हो

घर आकर परिवार पर *कुत्ते* की तरह चिल्लाते हो

*सुअर* की तरह खाने पर टूट पड़ते हो

और फिर *भैंस *की तरह सो जाते हो

इंसानों का डॉक्टर क्या खाक तुम्हें ठीक कर पाएगा !!