Terrrific quotes

Love is photogenic it needs darkness to develop.
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A good discussion is like a miniskirt, Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject!
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Children in backseats cause accidents, Accidents in backseats cause children!
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"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep!
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There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning!
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"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY", So what? Who's in a hurry?
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"Hard work never killed anybody", But why take the risk! (I don't want to be an exception!)
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"Work fascinates me", I can sit and watch it for hours!
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God made relatives, Thank God we can choose our friends.
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My girlfriend ran away with my best friend and I really am sorry for him!
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God is Alive! Speak to Him!, (It's cheaper after 9.30 p.m.!)
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When two's company, three's the result!
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A designer dress is like a barbed fence, It protects the premises without restrictinge view!
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Hijackers' trick

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of politicians.
They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one politician every hour.
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Patient: Doctor I heard 10 percent of the total patients undergoing this surgery die.
Doctor: Don't worry man, those 10 percent patients operated by me are already dead. Now it's the turn of the 90 percent survivors.
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Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."
Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
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"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only."
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just to laugh.
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
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Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
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Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."
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 U r very special
U r very special 4 me...
U should b safe always...
U should b safe my dear...
I cant b wid u all time....
So pls b careful wenever u
Jump from tree 2 tree...
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“A great handshake was observed in two humans
Of opposite sex at a wedding ring
Before a deadly bout of Lifetime.”
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Boy Friend is like a chocolate, "Taste good always."
Girl Friend is like Pizza, Hot’ n’Spicy, "Delicious anytime."
Wife is like the refrigerated left overs, "Eaten when no choice."
Husband is like a cooled off Tea in a cup, "Headache on sip."
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Husband & Wife

Husband & Wife - Why divorce?
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
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Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
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Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
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Husband & Wife - Why?
" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
" Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
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Husband & Wife - Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
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Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband
One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
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Husband & Wife - Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,
"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
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Husband & Wife - No Answer Back
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and  none of them dares to answer back.
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Husband & Wife - Come Home Late
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
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Husband & Wife - Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied,
"I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet
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Best seller book

What makes a book bestseller?

A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl .. :)

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Today's offer -

Dial 100 and say "Bomb in Parliament", Get a Trip to Central Jail, Food, Clothing, Housing FREE for 14 Years!

Offer Valid till 2 Days.

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U R 100% beautiful,
U R 100% lovely,

U R 100% sweet,
U R 100% nice, and

U R 100% stupid to believe these words...

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Nobody is like u,
Nobody cares 4 u,

Nobody misses u,
Nobody wants to see u good,

Nobody is ur best fr,
Nobody is happy with u....

Don't cry.......my name is nobody
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Girl Vs Boys

If you treat her nice she says"Yaar mujhe line de raha hai".


If you don't she says "Kitna akadta hai".


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If you dress nicely she says "Mujhay impress karna chahta hai".


If you don't she says "Tasteless hai yaar".


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If you argue with her she says "Ziddi hai".


If you sit quietly she says "Dumb hai".


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If you act smarter she'll lose her brain as you are insulting her.


If she acts smarter she think its her right.


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If you don't love her she says "Is ka to pehlay say hi 2,3 ladkioon ke saath chakar hai".


If you love her she says " Peechay hi pad gayaa hai".


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If you don't give her a kiss she says "Tum mujh say serious naheen ho".


If you give her a kiss she says "Yaar who ladkaa flirt kar raha hai".


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If you don't tell her your problems she says "You are not honest to me".


If you do tell to her she says "You are a problem child".


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If you scold her she says "You act like a grandpa giving lecture".


If she scolds you she says "Yaar, its because I care".


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If you break a promise she says "He does not trust you any more".


If she breaks she says "Jaan main majboor thi"


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If you smoke she says "You are a bad guy".


If she smokes she says "I need this, please jaanu try to understand".


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If you do good in exams she says "Kismat NE saath diya warna tum or good marks".


If she gets good marks she says "Its my brain ".


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If you hurt her she says "You are cruel & don't care of my feelings".


If she hurts you she replies" You are not understanding".

Height of Kanjoosi

Height of Kanjoosi: Bania's house in fire,

He is givng miss calls 2 Fire brigade

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What makes a book bestseller?

A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl .. :)

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What happens when a lion roars thrice?

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Think

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Any guess?

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Ok, I will tell you..

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Tom & Jerry cartoon begins!

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Only special people receives love

Only special minds receives wisdom

Only special hands receives gifts

And only special persons receive MY MESSAGES

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Who says English is easy?

Yes or NO? It's all the same!

Fill these blanks with YES or NO

............ ., I don't have a brain.

............ ., I don't have sense.

............ ., I am stupid.

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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Police officer.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."

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- Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

- It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
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Mallika Sherawat

Mallika sherawat

Malika sherawat goes to skin doctor and ask, "Main nahatay waqat kya lagaoun?"

Doctor: "bathroom ki kundi."

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Chaewala ladki dekh kar bola: bholi is soorat, ankhaon mein masti, dur khadi sharmaye, aae haaye,

Ladki boli: kali is surat, haath me ketli, dur khara chilaye, chae chae.

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Boy says 2 girl: tute hue dil se pyar karogi ya dil tutne tak pyar karogi.

Girl says: tuti hui chapal se pite Ga ya chappal tutne tak pitega.

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Chemistry ki class main teacher NE ek larki se pucha what is "Nitrate"?

Larki Sharma kar boli: "sir, night rate 1500/-, aur hotel charges alag honge."

Humor Vacation

" Laughter is an instant vacation"

--Merlin Berke

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Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?

Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

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Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?

Customer: What other colors do you have?

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Manager: Sorry, but I can't give you a job. I don't need much help.

Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case.

You will see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

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Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?

Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

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Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!

Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

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Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!

Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

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Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.

Wife: I think he did , I still got mine with me!

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Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!

Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it

Within three days, you can keep it.

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Father: Your teacher says she finds it

Impossible to teach you anything!

Son: That's why I say she's no good!

TIME TO LAUGH

1)what is the cube of 13?

Its : SUROOR

Wondering how?

That's bcoz....

TERA * TERA * TERA = SUROOR

2) ek aadmi k 6 fingers thi,use log hanuman bulate the...batao kyon?

Kyonki uska naam hanuman tha..

3) who was the 1st Indian woman fly abroad?

..........sita with ravan

4) wht did the kangaroo say when she found her baby missing?

.......Aaila! !!!! Kisne mera pocket maar liya

5) what do u call a really colourful tamilian???

Ans: Rangamannar rangrajan

6) An elephant falls in luv with n Ant.but Ant's parents r against their marrige...guess y??

They gave a solid reason...**Ladke k daant bahar hain **

7) ones sardarji saw a very soni kudi in the market & thought..

......kash k ye meri maa hondi to main v inna sona Honda..

8) Full form of MATHS?

Mentally Affected Teacher Harassing Students...

9) what wud u call a girl who never laughs??

Ans: hasi-na

Funny Rikshaw lines in Pakistan

# Maalik Ki Gaadi Driver Ka Paseena - Chalti Hai Road Par Ban Kar Haseena

# Buri Nazar Wale, Tera Moonh Kala

# Mera Pakistan Mahan (Lekin Janta Pareshan)

# Qismat Aazma Chuka, Muqadar Aazma Raha Hoon - Aik Baywafa Kay Khatir Riksha Chala Raha Hoon

# Chandni Raat Beeti Jaa Rahi Hai - Ullu Ki Patthi, Too Ab A Rahi Hai

# Kabhee Side Say Aatee Ho Kabhee Peechay Say Aatee Ho - Meree Jaan Horn De De Kar Mujhay Tum Kyon Satateey Ho

# Maan Ki Dua Jannat Ki Hawa - Maan Ki Bud-Dua Ja Beta Rickshaw Chala

# Pappu Yaar Tang Na Kar!

# Zehreeli Nagan

# Koi Jal Gaya, Kisi Ne Dua Di

# Quaid-E-Azam Nay Farmaya - Tu Chal, Main Aayaa

# Dekho Magar Pyar Se!

# Hosh Ker Kherghosh

# Wo Dekho Mastani Ja Rahi Hay

# Khuda Keray Haseenoo Ke Baap Mar Jeyeen - Maut Ka Bahana Ho Hum Un Ke Ghar Jeyeen

# Abey Kambakath Aisa Soochna Bhi Paap Hoga - Kissi Rooz Tu Bhi Kissi Haseen Ka Baap Hoga

Rhyming couplets

A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... But the least romantic second line.

Here are some of the entries they received.

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My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe " go to hell "

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Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

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Oh loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face

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Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not

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I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face

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I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -

Damn, I'm good at telling lies !

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I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming

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My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way

Funny Thoughts On Exercise

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

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The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

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I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

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The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

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I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

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If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country .

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Everything has a gender

Everything has a gender

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male ,didn't you?

But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Women are always Clever

Man: " Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"

Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"

Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"

Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "I know how to please a woman ."

Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."

Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."

Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."

Man: "Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"

Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"

Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your body is like a temple."

Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."

Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."

Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there ?"