Bug Spray

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.


"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."


The farmer was dubious.


"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case......we will make you rich.


The salesman was delighted.




They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck!




Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed.


"Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,




"Doesn't that calf have a mother? 

Lalloo Jokes

* Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the security

guard told Laloo "WAIT SIR" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...

* Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las

Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji could you

tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...". The man at the

other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank

you" and puts the phone down.

* Laloos family planning policy..

"Don't have more than two children in one year"

* At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,

"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS,

SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo

replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

* After having become the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to pose for a picture.

To show he is down to earth CM he decides to pose along with a herd of

buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the

photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS THE

CAPTION "Laloo, third from left"

* Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business

Development to Bihar. The Japanese Embssary was quite impressed with Bihar

and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we

will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was very

surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me three

days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"

* A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?"

"Marriage"

* Laloo returns from a US tour. As he completes his press conference and is

about to leave, he goes, "I would like to thank the president of the United

States from the bottom of my heart and my wife's bottom too"

My Friend Circle

Ballo Prasad Yadav came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Rabri, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.

"No !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Rabri snapped.

Ekdum Filmy love letter

When I am: Kareeb

There is only: Khamoshi

I want to speak: Dil Se

That's my kind of: Ishq

I want this to be: Gupt

As I always have: Darr

That I will loose you: Sajani

And that would be great: Sadma

I am your: Mr.Aashique

But sometimes bit: Deewana

Tell me: Hum Aapke Hain Kaun

As I feel : Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

In this : Duniya Dilwalon Ki

I told you: Maine Pyar Kiya

May be : Dil To Pagal Hai

Because: Jab Pyar Kisise Hota Hai

The whole world appears as: Dushman

But anyway: Pyar To Hona Hi Tha

Maid

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid," says the man.

The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the woman of the house."

The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make 50,000?"

The maid asks, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the Bitch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."

A long pause and the man asks, "Oops..! Is this 2261-1382?"

Its all about Wives

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

************

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

************

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong .

************

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."

I asked her, "Where's the car?"

She replied, "In the lake."

************

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

************

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

************

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got myself two girlfriends.

************

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

************

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

************

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."

************ *

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.

************ *

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

************ *

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

************ **

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Vacuum Cleaner

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.

A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will eat all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, Madam?"

"We just moved in, & there's no electricity in the house!"

Moral : Gather all required information before working on any project..

Present for husband

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,

"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,

"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"

"Results," shrugged Saint Peter....... ....

"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

***********

Moral of the story:

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

************

Body Massage

The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex.

I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes."

The Jewish man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours."

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"

The Jewish man said, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread."

Therapy

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this. "

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

" Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked all right. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does ."

The Christian Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: " Oh my God..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."