Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Sniffer Dog





A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...


The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.


The second man explains, I'm a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a Sniffer dog. His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."


The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says, "Watch this." He tells Smithy to 'search'.


Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.


The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says,"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."


"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.


Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police."


"I like it!" says his seat mate.


The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again. Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.


The first man is really amazed now by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent., "What's going on?"


The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

Sexual Assault!!!





A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.


Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"


"Reading a book," she replies.


"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.


"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."


"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.


"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."


"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left...

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Bill Gates- After Death





Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"


Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"


God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"


Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.


The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!


Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"


To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.


It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.


"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."


"As you desire," said God.


Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.


"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair.


"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"


"Oh, THAT!" said God.
 "That was the screen saver"....!!!!!!!!!

The Four Cats !



Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .


The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.


To show off, the Engineer called his cat,


"T-square, do your stuff."


T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.


But the Accountant said his cat could do better.


He called his cat and said,


"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."


Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............ Everyone agreed that was good.


But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said


"Measure, do your stuff."


Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.


Everyone agreed that was pretty good.


Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"


The Government Employee called his cat and said.....


"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."


Coffee Break jumped to his feet........ ...


Ate the cookies..... ......... .


Drank the milk........ ......


Sh*t on the paper....... ......... ....


Screwed the other three cats........ ......... ....


Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......... ........


Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .......


Put in for Workers Compensation. ......... .....and


Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............ .!!!!!!!! !!

Compliment





A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife,




"I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."




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The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."


Arrested for laughing


This is from an actual trial in the UK : A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.


When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition.


She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.


She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing.... ......... ......She had him arrested.


Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.


His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant..


She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.


I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.


Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'


The case was dismissed... ......! !!!!!!!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

PAKISTANI JOKES - BANNED IN PAK



Here are some of those text messages that have angered the Pakistani establishment: 


1. Long lines 
A man standing in a long line for food tells the others in the line that he is leaving the line to go to shoot the president. He returns after a few hours and rejoins the line. 
“Did you manage to kill him ?", everyone asks him. 
“No, that line is longer than this one“, he replies. 


2. Robber meets Zardari 
Robber: “Give me all your money!” 
Zardari: “Don’t you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari.” 
Robber: “OK. Give me all my money.” 


3. TV anchor announcing: 
Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding $5,000,000 or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you can. I have donated five liters.” 


4. Postmaster General announcing 
To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has officially launched a new stamp. But the people of Pakistan are confused which side on the stamp to spit on. 


5. Announcement In Zardari’s official airplane… 
Mr. President , We are about to land. 
could you please put Sherry Rehman (former Information minister) in an upright position. Thank you…. 


6. Pakistani meets American 
Pakistani to American: What do you guys do with thieves? 
American: We treat them humanely and give them nice food, warm clothes and long jury trials
Pakistani: That’s nothing. We give them the presidency. 


7. Genie meets Pakistani 
Genie to Pakistani: Order me my master. What can I do for you? 
Pakistani to Genie: Bring me all the wealth in the Swiss bank. 
Genie: I am Genie, not Zardari.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

I am cute...!!!!



Have u done two of the most important things when you wake up today?
1)Pray, so that u may live...
2)Take a bath-so that others may live too!






n ya...
Could u fax me ur photo very very urgently ? Mind u - it's really very very urgent, damn serious and very imp ......
I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER.




and u know what...
Good looks catch the eyes but Good Personality catches the heart, You are blessed with both!
FLATTERED???
Don't Be, it was sent to me, just wanted you to read it.




Do u know...???
To live a life, one needs brains, reflex, perception, looks, IQ, knowledge, way of expression & many more mental qualities. Hats off 2 u
coz u manage 2 live without them.






Once god came up 2 me & granted me a wish. I asked 4 "world peace".
That's impossible, he said. Then I asked him 2 give u brains.
He said "Let me try world peace"






From Mon to Sun, From Jan To Dec, From birth till my death, my feelings 4 u have never changed. For me, you've always been........ ... a headache




one thing more...
1 day u'll B srprisd 2C ME beside U. U & ME laughing, U & ME crying, U & ME dreaming, U & ME holding on, U & ME... just U & ME sitting in a MENTAL HOSPITAL & ME CHECKING U.




and of course last but not the least...
If u save this msg, it means I'm cute. If u edit this, I'm still cute.
If u fwd this, u r spreading that i'm cute & if u erase this, u r jealous of me coz i'm cute!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Always tell your wife the truth



A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.


He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.


At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.    


They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.


After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"


She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.


His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?"


"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."


"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"   
*********
Moral of the story : Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.    

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Wacky Greeting Cards



Wacky Greeting Cards For Unloved Ones!


1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.





2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.





3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me. 





4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.





5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.





6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!





7.. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.





8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?





9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.





10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?





11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.





12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.





13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)





14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?





15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Season Pass



On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.


"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."


He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"


At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?" 

Friday, November 4, 2011

Husband Wife - Brain

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her :Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state  I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...

I ALMOST DIED!!

Moral:

1. Think about what you wish for..
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male

Sunday, July 24, 2011

RETIRED PEOPLE-HUMOUR


Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary, my wife, and I
went into town and visited a shop. 
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,

how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “[     ” . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a “[     ”.  He finished the

second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. 

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it

and went home. 
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Man-o-man



Man O Man When without money, eats wild vegetables at home
When has money, eats same wild vegetables in fine restaurant.
When without money, rides bicycle;When has money, rides exercise machine.
When without money, walks to earn food;When has money, walks to lose the fat.
Man O Man ! never fails to deceive thyself !

When without money, wishes to get married;When has money, wishes to get divorced.
When without money, wife becomes secretary;When has money, secretary becomes wife.
When without money, acts like rich man;When has money,acts like poor man.
Man, O Man, never can tell the simple truth !

Says share market is bad but keeps speculating;
Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.
Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.
Says gambling & drinking is bad but keeps indulging;
Man O Man ! Never means what he says and never says what he means!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished


Sunday, June 26, 2011

Riddle

Mathematician: How to write 4 in between 5?
China: Is this a Joke?
Japan: Impossible!
America: The question's wrong.
UK: Not found on Internet.
India: F(IV)E
This is the reason you find Indians everywhere in the world in finance, business, medicines, engineering....
anything to do with using your brain.

Young Chuck and The Government


Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied,

'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said,

'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said,

'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked,

'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said,

'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said,

'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said,

'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said,

'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said,

'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said,

'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government.

Indian Mom


Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner... who lives with a girl roommate Sunita.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar.

You don't suppose she took it, do you? "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house,

I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar.

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,

Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read :

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and

I'm not saying that you

'do not' sleep with Sunita.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now.

Love,

Mom.

Great Murder Mystery


Just when you think you have heard everything!!

Do you like to read a good murder mystery?

Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess.

This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, (AAFS) President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story:


On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a 10-story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.
As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife.

They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun!

The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded.

The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun.

He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about 6 weeks prior to the fatal accident.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now for the exquisite twist...

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.

He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.

This led him to jump off the 10 story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.

The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.

So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

A true story from Associated Press.