Season Pass

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will $be fined 20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?" 

To: My loving wife

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an E-MAIL to his wife.


However he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address and without realising his error, he sent the message. Meanwhile,somewhere a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail,


Expecting message from her relatives and friends.; After reading the first message she fainted. 


The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:




To: My loving wife
Subject: I've just reached
Date: 13th Oct 2006


I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to sent e-mails to your loved ones.


I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you.


Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was;


MORAL  OF STORY - be careful while sending mails if not mishaps like these happen

Extra Marital Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

The Price of Beauty

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.


The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.


"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.


"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.


"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.


A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the basket.


"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.


"It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.


Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

Compliment

A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife,




"I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."




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The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

T-G-I-F vs S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.


When he entered, there was a blonde already


inside who greeted him with a bright,    "T-G-I-F."


He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."


She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.


He again answered, "S-H-I-T."


The blonde was trying to keep it friendly,


so she smiled her biggest smile,


and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."


The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."


The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.


'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"


The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday --
uuhhh

SATAN

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.


Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"


The man replied, "Yep, sure do."


Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"


"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.


Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"


The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Wife from Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”




The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”


The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”


The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”




And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”


U'll love this part....


'Only when he's been drinking.'

After 50 years

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.


She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."


Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."


Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.


Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.


"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.


"Where are you going ?" she asked.


"To get my teeth!"

Always tell your wife the truth

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.


He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.


At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.    


They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.


After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"


She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.


His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?"


"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."


"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"   
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Moral of the story : Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.    

Courtesy Towards Lady

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.




Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.



Son: But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's Lap. 

Girl Vs Boys

If you treat her nice she says"Yaar mujhe line de raha hai".


If you don't she says "Kitna akadta hai".


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If you dress nicely she says "Mujhay impress karna chahta hai".


If you don't she says "Tasteless hai yaar".


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If you argue with her she says "Ziddi hai".


If you sit quietly she says "Dumb hai".


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If you act smarter she'll lose her brain as you are insulting her.


If she acts smarter she think its her right.


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If you don't love her she says "Is ka to pehlay say hi 2,3 ladkioon ke saath chakar hai".


If you love her she says " Peechay hi pad gayaa hai".


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If you don't give her a kiss she says "Tum mujh say serious naheen ho".


If you give her a kiss she says "Yaar who ladkaa flirt kar raha hai".


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If you don't tell her your problems she says "You are not honest to me".


If you do tell to her she says "You are a problem child".


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If you scold her she says "You act like a grandpa giving lecture".


If she scolds you she says "Yaar, its because I care".


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If you break a promise she says "He does not trust you any more".


If she breaks she says "Jaan main majboor thi"


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If you smoke she says "You are a bad guy".


If she smokes she says "I need this, please jaanu try to understand".


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If you do good in exams she says "Kismat NE saath diya warna tum or good marks".


If she gets good marks she says "Its my brain ".


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If you hurt her she says "You are cruel & don't care of my feelings".


If she hurts you she replies" You are not understanding".

Best excuse by a female employee!

This incident, is supposed to have happened in real life.


The head of Human Resources at a very large bank, says that the best excuse for absenteeism, that he had ever received in his career of almost 22 years, was from a female Indian employee, at their bank's head quarters at Mumbai, India, in July, 2011.


He says when the lady, was questioned on why she remained absent the previous day,


She simply replied .......


"But sir, I had no option. My husband was on casual leave yesterday and was at home and by mistake he took pills from the wrong bottle in our medicine cabinet and ended up consuming an overdose of Viagra! Now how could I have left him, all alone at home, with the house-maid?"

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.


She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.


She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.


She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.


'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room , 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'


The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.


The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.


'Yes, I do' she replies.


The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.


'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'


'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'


'I remember that too' she replies softly.


He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ...


'I would have been released today.'

Bad Hearing

A old man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"


The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."


He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?"


She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!"

Great Sayings On Marriage

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.


That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.


David Bissonette
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


Sacha Gui try
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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


Hemant Joshi
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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


Socrates
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Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


Dumas
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The great question.... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?


Sigmund Freud
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"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."


Sam Kinison
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"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."


James Holt McGavran
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"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."


Patrick Murray
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...


Anonymous
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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.


Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


Milton Berle
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Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.


Anonymous
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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"


Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


Anonymous
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Fell Off The Roof

“How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.


“Well, doc, 25 years ago…”


“Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”


“Like I was saying… 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.


I said, “No, everything is fine.”


“Are you sure?” she asked.


“I’m sure,” I said.


“Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” she wanted to know.


“I reckon not,” I replied.


“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?”


“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”

Adam and God

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.


Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?


God: So you will always want to look at her.


Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?


God: So you will always want to touch her.


Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?


God: So you will always want to be near her.


Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?


God: So she would love you.

Rhyming couplets

A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... But the least romantic second line.
Here are some of the entries they received.
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My feelings for you no words can tell,


Except for maybe "go to hell "   
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Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.


But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.  
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Oh loving beauty you float with grace


If only you could hide your face  
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Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;


This describes everything you are not  
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I want to feel your sweet embrace


But don't take that paper bag off of your face  
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I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -


Damn, I'm good at telling lies !  
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I see your face when I am dreaming.


That's why I always wake up screaming  
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My love, you take my breath away.


What have you stepped in to smell this way
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Missing You

Husband is throwing darts at his wife's photo... and not a single dart is hitting the target.

From another room wife calls out, "Honey what are you doing?"

Husband: "Missing you, baby, missing you so much"