PEANUTS

A  doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For  weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When  the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.

As  the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, 'Up Nuts', and the patients  complied by standing up.  After the anthem, he yelled, 'Down  Nuts', and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run  was hit, the doctor yelled, 'Cheer Nuts'.

They all broke out  into applause and cheered. 

When the umpire made a particularly bad call  against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, 'Booooo Nuts' and they  all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with  their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving  his assistant in charge. When he  turned, there  was a riot in progress.

Finding his  tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, 'What in the world  happened?'

The assistant replied,  'Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and  yelled, 'PEANUTS!'

Warm and Moist!

Customer: I'd like to buy some dog food.

Salesman: Do you have a dog?

Customer: Yes.

Salesman: Where is he?

Customer: He's at home.

Salesman: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the same customer returns.

Customer: I'd like to buy some cat food.

Salesman: Do you have a cat?

Customer: Yes.

Salesman: Well.where is she?

Customer: She's at home!

Salesman: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the customer returns again.

Salesman: What's in the sack?

Customer: Put your hand inside.

Salesman: Hmmm.It's warm and moist! What is it?

Customer: I would like to buy some toilet paper......

Pregnant unwed daughter

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared,  She confides this ' news' to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?

I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However,

If there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand

Firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again !"

Smart Beggar

Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London...

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase full of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?"

Parvinder says, "Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.

Parvinder says, "No wonder you only get £2- £3." Habib says, "So what does your sign say"?

Parvinder's sign reads: I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan !

LETTER TO GEORGE BUSH......

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive, 'Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwritingto let him know he was still in the game. 


Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:


370H-SSV-0773H 


Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice .


Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.


No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.


Eventually they asked Indian Intelligence (CBI) for help.


Within a minute, CBI emailed the White House with this reply: 'Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.'

I am cute...!!!!

Have u done two of the most important things when you wake up today?
1)Pray, so that u may live...
2)Take a bath-so that others may live too!






n ya...
Could u fax me ur photo very very urgently ? Mind u - it's really very very urgent, damn serious and very imp ......
I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER.




and u know what...
Good looks catch the eyes but Good Personality catches the heart, You are blessed with both!
FLATTERED???
Don't Be, it was sent to me, just wanted you to read it.




Do u know...???
To live a life, one needs brains, reflex, perception, looks, IQ, knowledge, way of expression & many more mental qualities. Hats off 2 u
coz u manage 2 live without them.






Once god came up 2 me & granted me a wish. I asked 4 "world peace".
That's impossible, he said. Then I asked him 2 give u brains.
He said "Let me try world peace"






From Mon to Sun, From Jan To Dec, From birth till my death, my feelings 4 u have never changed. For me, you've always been........ ... a headache




one thing more...
1 day u'll B srprisd 2C ME beside U. U & ME laughing, U & ME crying, U & ME dreaming, U & ME holding on, U & ME... just U & ME sitting in a MENTAL HOSPITAL & ME CHECKING U.




and of course last but not the least...
If u save this msg, it means I'm cute. If u edit this, I'm still cute.
If u fwd this, u r spreading that i'm cute & if u erase this, u r jealous of me coz i'm cute!

A car on loan

Santa bought a car on loan...
He didn't pay the dues, the bank took away his car.
Santa: If I knew this,
I'd have taken a loan for my marriage also!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......
Translation from Hindi to English,
"Khushi ke mare uski chaati phool gayi".
Santa: Due to happiness, his chest became breast.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......
Santa: Woh ladki kitni sundar hai!
Banta: Mujhe uska naam pata hai.
Santa: Kya naam hai uska?
Banta: Woh bank mein kaam karti hai, uske counter ke upar uska naam likha tha "CHAALU KHAATA"
........... ......... ......... ......... ......
Banta: Wo ladki deaf lagti hai.
Main kuch kehta hoon, woh kuch aur hi bolti hai.
Santa: Kaise?
Banta: Maine kaha I Luv U,
To woh boli 'Maine kal hi Naye Sandal kharide hain'
...............................................
 तूफानी बारिश में संता का 'धक्का'


तूफानी बारिश हो रही थी, आधी रात में संता ने एक घर का दरवाजा खटखटाया और बोला
भाईसाब धक्का लगा दोगे क्या
दरवाजा खोलने आया आदमी नींद में था, उसने मना कर दिया
कुछ देर बाद उस आदमी को  आत्मग्लानि हुई, उसने सोचा यदि कभी मैं रात में फंस गया और किसी ने मदद नहीं की तो क्या होगा
आदमी बाहर आया और आवाज लगाईः तुम हो कहां
संताः पार्क में झूले पर
------------------------------------------------

कारण


औरते आदमीयोंके मुकाबले अच्छा, शांत और लंबा आयुष्य व्यतीत करती है ... इसका क्या कारण होगा ?
एक बुध्दीमान सरदारजीने झटसे जवाब दिया - क्योंकी उन्हे बीवीयां नही होती.
-----------------------------------------------



............ ......... ......... ......... .....

After 50 years

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.


She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."


Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."


Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.


Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.


"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.


"Where are you going ?" she asked.


"To get my teeth!"

Classified ads

These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake...
******
MONDAY: For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.
******
TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishanth's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407 16581 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."
******
WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishanth has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.
******
THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishanth, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 98407 16581 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit!
*******

Indians are Indians

Once a english man came to india as a tourist.


He appointed a guide for him.First the guide took the man to Taj Mahal to show him the beauty of the monument.


The english man asked "how many years did it take to build this one". The guide replied "it took about 20 full years ".............."20 years!!" said the english with a haughty voice and further said "our english men would have built in 10 yrs"......




The next day the guide took him to the 'Hawa Mahal' in Rajasthan....the english asked" how many years did it take to built this one".....


the guide replied "almost 10 years".................."10 years!!!" said the english,"our men would have built it in 5 yrs"....................




The Indian guide thought that this particular english @#*&!*&)# man is trying to insult the wonders and that's where our Indian Attitude plugs in............




The next day seeing the 'Qutub Minar' the english asked the same question..........the with astonishing look said " Oh my God.....this tower looks great it was'nt there yesterday"

James Bond in heaven

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.

The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking. "M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn't.

M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no.

M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.

"Hello, Mary speaking !"

Kapil Sibbal and a puppy !!!

"Ek baar Kapil Sibbal ki car ke neeche 1 chota "Puppy" aa ke mar gaya.

Sibbal ne driver se kaha ki is ke maalik ka Pata Karo.

Driver malik ko dhoondne chala gaya.

Jab wapis aaya to us ke gale mein bahut si phooloon ki malaayein thi.

Sibbal: Yeh kya hai ?

Driver: Sir logon ne meri puri baat hi nahin suni aur khushi mein itne saare haar dal diye … Maine sirf yeh hi kaha tha ki ….. "main Kapil Sibbal ka driver hoon … Kutte ka Bachcha mar gaya hai."

एक बार कपिल सिब्बल की कार के नीचे एक छोटा "पप्पी" आ के मर गया

सिब्बल ने अपने ड्राईवर से कहा की इस के मालिक का पता करो

ड्राईवर मालिक को ढूँढने चला गया

जब वापिस आया तो उस के गले में बहुत सी फूलों की मालाएं थी

सिब्बल : ये क्या है ?

ड्राईवर : सर लोगों ने मेरी पूरी बात ही नहीं सुनी और ख़ुशी में इतने सारे हार दाल दिए ........मैंने तो सिर्फ ये ही कहा था की ........................."मैं कपिल सिब्बल का ड्राईवर हूँ .............कुत्ते का बच्चा मर गया है "

Complete and Finished

Difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.

But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are... COMPLETELY FINISHED

ENGLISH IS A WONDERFUL LANGUAGE, ISN'T IT?

Man and Nun

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was
seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Zardari And Musharraf

Two Pakistanis viz. Zardari and Musharraf moved to Paris where

they made friends with a French guy named Jean-Paul.

They used to go all over Paris with him when suddenly one day . . .

Jean - Paul disappeared.

The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.

The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about

Jean-Paul that would help find him.

Zardari says . . . "Jean-Paul was handsome and tall"

Police says . . . "Most Frenchmen are like that . . . Give us

something specific"

Musharraf says . . . "Jean-Paul had blue eyes and was very fair"

Police say . . . "C'mon guys, lots of Frenchmen have blue eyes and

fair hair, tell us something specific"

Zardari and Musharraf . . . "Oh yes. Now we remember! Jean-Paul had

two holes in his ass !!!

The Policemen get really interested . . . "Now that's something very

specific - but tell us, how do you know this?? Have you guys seen

them?"

Zardari and Musharraf . . . "No, we haven't actually seen the holes,

but wherever we went with Jean-Paul, everyone used to say . . .

Here comes Jean-Paul with the TWO assholes......!!!!!!"

Doubt in Mahabharat

In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat Katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.

Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is Going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki Behind the bars.

First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...

Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak

Third one is born..."

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I Have a doubt ( sounding nervous n confused)

" Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in mahabharata then how Come u have one?"

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to Kill him,

WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.........................no answer..... :)

Hair Dryer Laughter

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you... I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,

"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Indian Mom

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner... who lives with a girl roommate Sunita.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar.

You don't suppose she took it, do you? "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house,

I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar.

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,

Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read :

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and

I'm not saying that you

'do not' sleep with Sunita.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now.

Love,

Mom.

IT Consultant

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the Ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers,"that's correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks:

"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"

The young man answers, "Yes, why not".

The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".

How did you know?" asks the young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business...

Now can I have my DOG back?"

Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.     

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating    table because when you open 

them up, everything inside is numbered.'*     

*The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians!    Everything inside them is colour-

coded.'*     

*The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in 

alphabetical order.'*     

*The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction    Workers. Those guys always 

understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you 

said it would.'*     

*But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the 

easiest to operate on. There's no    guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are  

only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable'