Kanjibhai - ( Gujju joke )

Long long time ago, before he got married, was travelling from Ahemadabad to Bombay by train. Rupaben was also travelling in the same compartment except that they both didn't know each other in the beginning.

Once they started talking, they realized they both had a lot in common.

Both were Single.

Both were Gujaratis.

Both were going to Bombay.

Both were Schoolteachers.

Both were starting a new job at the Mithibai College.

They seemed to hit it off well and decided to be roommates in Bombay and made a pact that they would do everything together. So they lived in the same house, travelled to the college together on Kanjibhai's scooter, had lunch in the staff room together, returned home together.

They were watching the TV together, eating dinner together and were also sharing the same bedroom and ...EVEN sharing the same bed.

The only problem was Rupaben was placing a pillow between them at bedtime, much to the frustration of Kanjibhai; who ended up spending many sleepless nights with this most desirable beauty besides him, separated by the pillow. Kanjibhai's frustration had built up to such an extent that he could take it no more, and ended up deciding to drink.

So one day he took off from the college leaving Rupaben on her own. She was quite upset, but made it home by auto rikshaw. The pact had been broken so she decided not to open the door for Kanjibhai when he got home drunk at about 2 AM.

Kanjibhai knocked on the door for about 20 minutes and pleaded with his roommate to let him in. After listening to his crap for 20 minutes, Rupaben said, " Where the hell did you disappear today? We decided to do everything together! Now you sleep outside". Kanjibhai, "I will jump over the wall and come in if you don't open the door right now!"

Rupaben says, "Huve...reva de! Reva de! Chaar mahina thaya... TU to pillow in upar thi jump na karisakio... to deewal upar thi su jump karvano !!!

Statistics

According to the statistics below----- You were born way to early.

1970's : Love me, but don't touch me.

1980's : Touch me, but don't kiss me.

1990's : Kiss me, but don't do anything more.

2000's : Do anything, but don't tell anyone.

Since 2011 : Do everything, otherwise I will tell everyone that you can't do anything.

Don't Stop

Mom was cautioning daughter, "When your boyfriend wants to kiss you then say "DON'T" and when he hugs you tell him "STOP"

The daughter came back home happy.

Mother asked, "So you sure did what I told you to?"

The daughter said, "Yes Mom, I was so excited I used both words together "Don't Stop" :)

Drunk Santa Singh

There was once a competition involving three grueling tests. The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1.) Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go

2) Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3) And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many people bravely tried their hands (or should I say mouths) at it. Few could get beyond the first stage. And the inebriated few who managed it, got promptly eaten up by the starving lion. There was none who could reach the third stage.

And then, one fine day, Santa Singh walked into the contest. Five bottles of whiskey were nothing for him. He emptied five bottles in five gulps. Then he said, " Bhale change hai hum, tagde hai. Batao, lion kahan hai." When shown the room, he coolly walked in.

There was no hint of fear on his face, but rather the cool confidence of a person who knew he could do it.

Sounds of a mammoth fight came from the room. Screams of the Sardar and growls of the lion were intermingled. Thumps and thuds which shook the very earth ensued. All of a sudden there was a piercing, heart-rending roar from the Lion.

The audience waited with bated breath, their hair stood on end. And then, as suddenly as it had begun, the titanic roar stopped. An eerie silence prevailed.

As the audience watched, with eyes popping out, the door of the room opened, and out came the Sardar. Badly bruised, with blood streaming from his face, hands and legs, he stumbled out - victorious, nevertheless. His face had the glow of satisfaction of an emperor who had just won a battle.

And then he asked, "Where is the woman whose eyes I have to pluck out?"

Present for husband

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"

UNION RULES .. !

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, " Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Body Massage

The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex.

I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes."

The Jewish man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours."

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"

The Jewish man said, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread."