Blonde jokes

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking..... ...and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away........ ..Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida..... ..?????


CAR TROUBLE
Blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blond, "they're watch dogs."


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Blonde Secretary

"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.


"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.


"The regional vice president died this morning!"


"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"


"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one."


"That young blonde babe?"


"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."


"What do you mean?" I asked.


"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."

Blonde alligator

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.


She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.


After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"


The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"


Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.


Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.


Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.


The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out,


"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

T-G-I-F vs S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.


When he entered, there was a blonde already


inside who greeted him with a bright,    "T-G-I-F."


He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."


She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.


He again answered, "S-H-I-T."


The blonde was trying to keep it friendly,


so she smiled her biggest smile,


and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."


The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."


The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.


'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"


The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday --
uuhhh

A Blonde and A Lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep

TGIF

An attractive blonde and a handsome man step into the same elevator.

The blonde sighs happily and says 'TGIF', and is surprised when the man replies 'SHIT'.

The blonde thinks perhaps he didn't hear her correctly,

so she repeats it once again: 'TGIF!' and once again the man replies 'S H I T'.

Finally, the blonde explains 'Sir, TGIF = Thank God it's Friday!'

Stepping out of the elevator, the man smirks and says 'S H I T = Sorry honey, it's Thursday.'

HR Processes

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven ," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening owns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...

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Yesterday we were recruiting you, Today you are an employee.

BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

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February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!! !.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!! !

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March - Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

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April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... Power went out!!!

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May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

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June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

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July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

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August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm... ..car swamped because soft-top was open.

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September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

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October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

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November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.

Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

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December - Couldn't call 911...."duh"........ there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

AN AFFAIR WITH BOSS

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.

"NO WAY," she exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"