Ajab desh ki gajab kahani - 2

1.   We live in a nation where Rice is Rs.40/- per kg and Sim Card is free.
2. Pizza reaches home faster than Ambulance and Police.
3. Car loan @ 5% but education loan @ 12%.
4. Students with 45% get in elite institutions thru quota system and those with
90% get out because of merit.
5. Where a millionaire can buy a cricket team instead of donating the
money to any charity. 2 IPL teams are auctioned at 3300 crores and we
are still a poor country where people starve for 2 square meals per
day.
6. Where the footwear, we wear, are sold in AC showrooms, but
vegetables, that we eat, are sold on the footpath.
7. Where everybody wants to be famous but nobody wants to follow the
path to be famous.
8. Assembly complex buildings are getting ready within one year while
public transport bridges alone take several years to be completed.
9. Where we make lemon juices with artificial flavors and dish wash
liquids with real lemon.
Think about it!
If you cross the The North Korean border illegally, you get ..... 12
years hard labour in an isolated prison ..... 
If you cross the Iranian
border illegally, you get ..... detained indefinitely ..... 
If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get ..... shot ...... 
If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally, you get ...... jailed ...... 
If you cross the Chinese border illegally, you get ..... kidnapped and
may be never heard of - again .... 
If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally, you get ..... branded as a spy and your fate sealed ...... 
If you cross the Cuban border illegally, you get ..... thrown into a political prison to rot ..... 
If you cross the British border illegally, you get ..... arrested, prosecuted, sent to prison and be
deported after serving your sentence ..... 
Now .... 
if you were to cross the Indian border illegally, you get ..... 
1. A ration card 
2. A passport ( even more than one - if you please ! ) 
3. A driver's license 
4. A voter identity card 
5. Credit cards 
6. A Haj subsidy 
7. Job reservation 
8. Special privileges for minorities 
9. Government housing on subsidized rent 
10. Loan to buy a house 
11. Free education 
12. Free health care 
13. A lobbyist in New Delhi , with a bunch of media morons and a bigger bunch of human rights activists promoting
your cause 
14. The right to talk about secularism, which you have not heard about in your own country ! 
15. And of-course ..... voting rights to elect corrupt politicians who will promote your community for their selfish interest in securing your votes !!! 
16. and right to fight election for MLA or MP Hats off ..... to the ...... 
A. Corrupt and communal Indian politicians 
B. The inefficient and corrupt Indian police force 
C. The silly pseudo-secularists in India , who promote traitors staying here 
D. The amazingly lenient Indian courts and legal system. That's why people like Afzal Guru are still alive, same will happen with Kasab. 
E. WE self centered Indian citizens, who are not bothered about the dangers to our own country. 
F. The illogically brainless human-rights activists, who think that terrorists deserve to be dealt with by archaic laws meant for an era, when human beings were human beings.
THE MINIMUM U CAN DO IS FORWARD THIS TO ALL --

INCREDIBLE
INDIA!

Man-o-man

Man O Man When without money, eats wild vegetables at home

When has money, eats same wild vegetables in fine restaurant.

When without money, rides bicycle;When has money, rides exercise machine.

When without money, walks to earn food;When has money, walks to lose the fat.

Man O Man ! never fails to deceive thyself !

When without money, wishes to get married;When has money, wishes to get divorced.

When without money, wife becomes secretary;When has money, secretary becomes wife.

When without money, acts like rich man;When has money,acts like poor man.

Man, O Man, never can tell the simple truth !

Says share market is bad but keeps speculating;

Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.

Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.

Says gambling & drinking is bad but keeps indulging;

Man O Man ! Never means what he says and never says what he means!

10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished

Family Problem

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar and discussing about their family problems..
Shot after shot………
The Indian man said to the American, We have problem in India. We can’t marry the one whom we love. You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that only and now have a hell lot of family problems.
The American said, talking about love marriages... In America We can marry the one whom we love ……I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems.

The Indian fainted........!!!

God Bless You

"So, what are your future plans?"

i asked my friend dinesh

whom i met

after a long long time.

"want to do some business." he shared.

"what kind of business?"

"haven't thought about it yet,

but it should be one

which has my zero involvement

one time investment

big cash generation

no employees

no overheads

no taxes

no accounting

no license or permit

no dead stock

competition proof

recession proof

technology proof

ever increasing turnover

yet legal

and moral."

he said all that in one breath

and left me

breathless!

"best of luck!"

is all i could say

tongue-in-cheek.

"and where do you plan to do all this?"

i asked curiously.

"dad had bought a plot

in the heart of the city

two decades ago.

its still lying vacant."

--

we had lunch together

and i took leave.

--

two years passed

and i again happened to visit

my day dreamer friend's city.

he came to the hotel room where i was staying

in a gleaming black luxury sedan.

"it seems you have got the business idea!"

i teased him.

"yes, i did."

and before i could say anything

he added

"the exact business which i wished!"

"what's that?" i asked

"come and see for yourself!" he said.

we got into his luxury chariot

and headed to that empty plot.

there was none.

there

on that ground zero

stood

a small but impressive

temple!

i turned my head towards dinesh.

he smiled.

we removed our shoes

and stepped in.

inside i saw

the idols of three gods

including my favourite one.

i bowed

picked the blessings with my forehead

opened my wallet

took out a note

and just before putting it in the box

looked again

towards my enterprising friend.

he again smiled at me

and whispered

"god bless you!"

IT Consultant

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the Ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers,"that's correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks:

"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"

The young man answers, "Yes, why not".

The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".

How did you know?" asks the young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business...

Now can I have my DOG back?"

Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.     

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating    table because when you open 

them up, everything inside is numbered.'*     

*The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians!    Everything inside them is colour-

coded.'*     

*The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in 

alphabetical order.'*     

*The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction    Workers. Those guys always 

understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you 

said it would.'*     

*But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the 

easiest to operate on. There's no    guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are  

only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable'

If Titanic was made in India

1) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship

2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the rain

3) The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya"

4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian would die on the first dip

5) The iceberg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the hero a lesson

6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees.

And last but not least

7) Half of the rescue boats would be reserved for SC/ST/OBC

*******

Job rejected?

Next time your application for a job is rejected...

Dear [Interviewer's Name ]:

Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview].

After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]

Aarti Shri Google Maharaj

Om Jai Google Hare !!

Swami Jai Google hare

Programmers ke sankat, Developers ke Sankat,

Click main door kare!!

Om Jai Google Hare !!

Jo Dhyawe vo pawe,

Dukh bin se man ka, Swami dukh bin se man ka,

Homepage ki sampatti lawe, Homework ki sampatti karave

Kasht mite work ka,

Swami Om Jai Google hare!!

Tum puran search engine

Tum hi Internet yaami, Swami Tum hi Internet yaami

Par karo hamari Salari, Par karo hamari apprisal,

Tum dunia ke swami,

Swami Om Jai Google hare.

Tum information ke saagar,

Tum palan karta, swami Tum palan karta,

Main moorakh khalkamii, Main Searcher tum Server-ami

Tum karta dhartaa !!

Swami Om Jai Google hare!!

Din bandhu dukh harta,

Tum rakshak mere, Swami tum thakur mere,

Apni search dikhaao, sare reasearch karao

Site par khada mein tere,

Swami Om Jai Google hare!!

Google devta ki aarti Jo koi programmer gaawe,

Swami Jo koi bhi programmer gaawe,

Kehet SUN swami, MS Hari har swami,

Manwaanchhit fal paawe.

Swami Om Jai Google hare.

I Apologise

I Apologise

I Apologise... For all the mean things I might have said.

I Apologise... For all the things I did or didn't do.

I Apologise.. .If I ever ignored you .

I Apologise... If I ever made you feel bad or put you down.

I Apologise... If I ever thought I was better than you.

I Apologise... For everything wrong I've ever done.

I Care for You...Don't ever forget that!

Through bad times and good,

I'll always be here for you.

I'm writing this because ...what if...tomorrow. ..

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