Santa`s Furniture Business

Santa, a furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and have a glass of wine. As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.

He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi & English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.

She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed.

Till this day, the Santa has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business!.....

Suicide of Disagreement

A talking Frog told Lalu, Lalu, you don't have any brain.
Lalu said, I have it.
Frog repeated, No you don't.
Excited Lalu yelled, Yes, I have it.
Angry Frog, screamed, No hell, you don't. And Frog jumps into the water.
Perturbed Lalu mumbled to himself, There was no need to drown and commit suicide for it!!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......
The newly married wife goes to the store to buy personal things for the husband. She inquires about the deodorant for the men.
The salesman asks, "Do you want the ball type."
The wife says, "No this is for his underarms."
............ ......... ......... ......... ......
Teacher: U idiots! At your age Einstein ranked first in class. Wt abt u..?
Student: Sir at your age Hitler committed suicide..! Wt abt u..?
............ ......... ......... ......... ......
Boy to girl: Hey if i climb this coconut tree, I can see Engg college girls.
Girl: Leave both the hands from there, U can see medical college girls..
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Mirror Desire
Lalu spoke in love, "Why don't you and I go to some place where there is nobody."
Pyari flirted, "You won't make any mischief with me there, would you?"
Lalu assured in fright, "Not at all"
Pyari angered, "Then why the hell you want to go to there?"
~~~~~~~~~
Always listen to your wife, she gives sound advice :
99% Sound and 1% Advice….
~~~~~~~~~
A student In a interview:
How does an electric motor run?
Student:dhuurrrr
Interviewer shouts: stop it.
Student: dhurr dhp dp dup dup.
~~~~~~~~~
Girlfriends r like chocolates, taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Wives r like Dal RICE, eaten when there's no choice.
~~~~~~~~
Ouch!
Ouch! It's too tight.
Don't worry,sweetheart ! We'll try to do it slowly.Push it in .
Aah!  I  can't. It's painful.
Ok,sweetheart, Let's get another..... .... WEDDING RING
............ ......... ......... ......... ......
The Top 5 answ. Given by girls in India when a boy proposes.
1)No
2)R u mad
3)i alwys looked u like a good friend
4)i don't belive in love
5)Sorry i love someone
............ ......... ......... ......... ......
A Toilet is like a committee meeting.
People come with lot of pressure, sit, create a lot of noise, and ultimately DROP THE MATTER.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......
Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
Mrs. Smith: Yes,  thirteen.
Groucho: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
Mrs. Smith:  Well, I love my husband.
Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of  my mouth once in a while.
----------------------------------------------------
Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh : Ok
Interviewer : Made in India
Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer : Good… Keep it Up
Banta Singh : Bad…. Put it Down
Interviewer : Maxi Mum
Banta Singh : Mini Dad
Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Insufficient! Don’t take my seat
Interviewer : Idiot! Take your seat
Banta Singh : Clever! Don’t take my seat
Interviewer : I say you get out!
Banta Singh : You didn’t say I come in
Interviewer : I reject you!
Banta Singh : You appoint me.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
Munna Bhai: Aay circuit, baapu bole to Gandhi ji
Kapde kyun nahi pehantay thay?
Circuit: Bhai bole to baapu bhi us time
Ke Salmaan Khan thay!!!
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Maths teacher asked JOHNY
“If u have 12 chocalate and u give 5 to DONA,
3 to ALICE and 4 to ROMA then what will u get ?
JOHNY replied “Sir! 3 new girl friends”.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar built 2 Swimming Pools. And he left one of them unfilled, why?
When asked him, he said,
"Oye, that’s for those who don’t know Swimming. 
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE. 
-----------------------------------------------------------------
U can control ur breadth,not ur death.
U can control ur life but not wife...
U can control emotions.... .but not
Loose motions..ha ha
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *

How to Attract the girls?

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Billy for advice.


"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool... They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!"


The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!


Bubba went back to his buddy Billy and asked him, "What's wrong now?'"


"Lard-Almighty Bubba!" said Billy, "the potatoe goes in the front!"

Best seller book

What makes a book bestseller?

A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl .. :)

~~~~~~~~~

Today's offer -

Dial 100 and say "Bomb in Parliament", Get a Trip to Central Jail, Food, Clothing, Housing FREE for 14 Years!

Offer Valid till 2 Days.

~~~~~~~~~

U R 100% beautiful,
U R 100% lovely,

U R 100% sweet,
U R 100% nice, and

U R 100% stupid to believe these words...

~~~~~~~~~

Nobody is like u,
Nobody cares 4 u,

Nobody misses u,
Nobody wants to see u good,

Nobody is ur best fr,
Nobody is happy with u....

Don't cry.......my name is nobody
~~~~~~~~~

Classified ads

These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake...
******
MONDAY: For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.
******
TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishanth's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407 16581 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."
******
WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishanth has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.
******
THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishanth, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 98407 16581 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit!
*******

Indians are Indians

Once a english man came to india as a tourist.


He appointed a guide for him.First the guide took the man to Taj Mahal to show him the beauty of the monument.


The english man asked "how many years did it take to build this one". The guide replied "it took about 20 full years ".............."20 years!!" said the english with a haughty voice and further said "our english men would have built in 10 yrs"......




The next day the guide took him to the 'Hawa Mahal' in Rajasthan....the english asked" how many years did it take to built this one".....


the guide replied "almost 10 years".................."10 years!!!" said the english,"our men would have built it in 5 yrs"....................




The Indian guide thought that this particular english @#*&!*&)# man is trying to insult the wonders and that's where our Indian Attitude plugs in............




The next day seeing the 'Qutub Minar' the english asked the same question..........the with astonishing look said " Oh my God.....this tower looks great it was'nt there yesterday"

Wacky Greeting Cards

Wacky Greeting Cards For Unloved Ones!


1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.





2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.





3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me. 





4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.





5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.





6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!





7.. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.





8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?





9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.





10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?





11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.





12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.





13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)





14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?





15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

Bad Hearing

A old man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"


The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."


He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?"


She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!"

Rhyming couplets

A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... But the least romantic second line.
Here are some of the entries they received.
*********
My feelings for you no words can tell,


Except for maybe "go to hell "   
*********
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.


But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.  
*********
Oh loving beauty you float with grace


If only you could hide your face  
*********
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;


This describes everything you are not  
*********
I want to feel your sweet embrace


But don't take that paper bag off of your face  
*********
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -


Damn, I'm good at telling lies !  
*********
I see your face when I am dreaming.


That's why I always wake up screaming  
*********
My love, you take my breath away.


What have you stepped in to smell this way
*********

Complete and Finished

Difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.

But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are... COMPLETELY FINISHED

ENGLISH IS A WONDERFUL LANGUAGE, ISN'T IT?

50TH ANNIVERSARY SUNDAY DINNER

A couple was celebrating 50 years together. Their three

kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one

'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a

patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing

is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look

great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and

didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were

able to come.."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy

anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was

really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,

"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long

time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send

each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew

that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to

get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're

bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."