SATAN

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.


Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"


The man replied, "Yep, sure do."


Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"


"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.


Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"


The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Husband Wife - Brain

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her :Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state  I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...

I ALMOST DIED!!

Moral:

1. Think about what you wish for..
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male

Be smart....pick your doctor smartly !

बहुत दिनों से बीमार एक कर्मचारी की पत्नि बोली:

इस बार जानवरों के डॉक्टर को दिखाओ तभी ठीक हो पाओगे.

पति: वो क्यों?

बीवी: रोज़ सुबह *मुर्गे *की तरह जल्दी उठ जाते हो

*घोड़े* की तरह जल्दी ऑफिस चले जाते हो

*गधे* की तरह दिन भर काम करते हो

*लोमड़ी* की तरह इधर उधर से information बटोर कर report बनाते हो

*बन्दर *की तरह बॉस के इशारे पर नाचते हो

घर आकर परिवार पर *कुत्ते* की तरह चिल्लाते हो

*सुअर* की तरह खाने पर टूट पड़ते हो

और फिर *भैंस *की तरह सो जाते हो

इंसानों का डॉक्टर क्या खाक तुम्हें ठीक कर पाएगा !!

Missing You

Husband is throwing darts at his wife's photo... and not a single dart is hitting the target.

From another room wife calls out, "Honey what are you doing?"

Husband: "Missing you, baby, missing you so much"

Wife

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?

The mafia wants either ur money or life...

The wives want both!

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Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.

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No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied

with 4 things in life.

(1) Mobile

(2) Automobile

(3) TV

(4) Wife

Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.

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Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`

Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.

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Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.

It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

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Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.

Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

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Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

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A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married.

He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

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It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country,

but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!

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Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:

All girls are devils,

but my wife is the queen

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of them

Landing at the secret airbase

United State Air Force has a high security, super secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

One afternoon, a Cessna landed at this "secret" base. The aircraft was immediately impounded and the pilot was interrogated.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They re- fueled his airplane, threatened him that if he lands again he would spend the rest of his life in prison, and let him go.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force personnel, the same Cessna landed there again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said,

"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

THE FUNNIES ON LIFE

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

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Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

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For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often ?

The Guys' Rules

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear " the rules " From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

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1. Men are NOT mind readers.

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1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

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1. Crying is blackmail.

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1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

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1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

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1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

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1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

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1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

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1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

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1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

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1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

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1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

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1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

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1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

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1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

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1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

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1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

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1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really .

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1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

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1. You have enough clothes.

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1. You have too many shoes.

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1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

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1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

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Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!

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Meaning of WIFE

Three friends, one Bengali, one Punjabi and one Tamil were travelling in train. After discussing many more things - one of the friends asked, " Now please let us discuss - What is the meaning of WIFE ?"

First turn to tell the meaning of wife was Bengali. The Bengali started," Wife is like a book. Read it, read it; when you fed up keep aside it."

Next turn was of Tamilian. The Tamilian started, "Wife is like a rose. Smell it, smell it; when you fed up. Throw it".

Third and last turn was of Punjabi, "Wife is like a casette. Listen it, listen it; when you are fed up, reverse it".

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

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The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

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The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

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She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

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Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

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Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

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Send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth !

Never Make a Woman Angry

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for

Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates and saw a

beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had

loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling

greetings to her, "Hello. How are you! We've been waiting for you!

Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a

wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the

woman asked. "Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her

into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to

watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was

guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh,

I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I

married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were

ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and

I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all

around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water

skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How

do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her

husband asked. "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", she

replied.

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to pay!

NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the supposed

lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters).

Now you've learned a new word.