Man and Nun

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was
seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Zardari And Musharraf

Two Pakistanis viz. Zardari and Musharraf moved to Paris where

they made friends with a French guy named Jean-Paul.

They used to go all over Paris with him when suddenly one day . . .

Jean - Paul disappeared.

The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.

The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about

Jean-Paul that would help find him.

Zardari says . . . "Jean-Paul was handsome and tall"

Police says . . . "Most Frenchmen are like that . . . Give us

something specific"

Musharraf says . . . "Jean-Paul had blue eyes and was very fair"

Police say . . . "C'mon guys, lots of Frenchmen have blue eyes and

fair hair, tell us something specific"

Zardari and Musharraf . . . "Oh yes. Now we remember! Jean-Paul had

two holes in his ass !!!

The Policemen get really interested . . . "Now that's something very

specific - but tell us, how do you know this?? Have you guys seen

them?"

Zardari and Musharraf . . . "No, we haven't actually seen the holes,

but wherever we went with Jean-Paul, everyone used to say . . .

Here comes Jean-Paul with the TWO assholes......!!!!!!"

Doubt in Mahabharat

In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat Katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.

Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is Going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki Behind the bars.

First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...

Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak

Third one is born..."

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I Have a doubt ( sounding nervous n confused)

" Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in mahabharata then how Come u have one?"

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to Kill him,

WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.........................no answer..... :)

Hair Dryer Laughter

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you... I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,

"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

50TH ANNIVERSARY SUNDAY DINNER

A couple was celebrating 50 years together. Their three

kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one

'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a

patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing

is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look

great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and

didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were

able to come.."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy

anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was

really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,

"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long

time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send

each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew

that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to

get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're

bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.     

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating    table because when you open 

them up, everything inside is numbered.'*     

*The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians!    Everything inside them is colour-

coded.'*     

*The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in 

alphabetical order.'*     

*The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction    Workers. Those guys always 

understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you 

said it would.'*     

*But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the 

easiest to operate on. There's no    guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are  

only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable'

Christmas Dinner

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.!!

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the her chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy.!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy..!!!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought to herself 'Yes.! Got away again..!!'

A few minutes later the woman had to let out another rip.

This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you..!!!'

A Cow, an Ant and an Asshole

A Cow, an Ant and an Asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!

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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something........

(YOU WIN!!!!)

Magician

Three world famous magicians were in the bar drinking and boasting about their achievements.

The first one said," During my latest show, I made three women from the audience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives started panicking, no one could find the trick"

The second one said, " Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air shows I made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searching for it"

The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Paris and made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on the TV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".

Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenly turned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towards the door.

A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Hey what happened ? Who is that guy ? "

One of the magicians whispered, "He is the World's greatest magician, he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mere amateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju. He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheet in front of everyone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it"

The donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN .

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas... The Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY???

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.

Indian and American Husband

Why are Indian husbands called "MADE OF SILVER"

And Why are American husbands called "MADE OF GOLD"

Socho

Thoda aur Socho

Socho Socho....

Nahi Aata

Bcoz Indian wives call their husband "A g" (Scientific Symbol for Silver)

And American wives call their husband "A u" (Scientific Symbol for Gold....)

Wife / Whisky

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what Happened.

"I did a terrible thing ," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my Wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back Right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved Her?"

"Oh, No, who the hell wants to love her," said the drunk. "I want her back Because I'm thirsty again!"

MTV Bakra.. !

Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.

Jasmeet: 'What are you searching for?'

Santa: 'Hidden cameras!'

Jasmeet: 'And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?'

Santa: 'That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing.

Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching MTV! How does he know that?'

Rajanikant Jokes

Once upon a time Rajnikanth used a tooth powder to get strong teeth, today that powder is used as AMBUJA CEMENT…..

Once Rajnikanth was playing Cricket and Rain Stopped due to Heavy Play….

Micheal Jordan to Rajini: I can spin a ball on my finger for over two hours. Can you?

Rajini: "Rascala, how do you think the earth spins !? *"

Roger Federer: I know everything about tennis. You can ask me anything.

Rajni: Ok. Tell me, how many holes are there in the NET?

All scientists failed to answer this but rajnikanth did…

Question: Which liquid turns solid on heating?

Rajni: ..........DOSA !!......

HA HA HA.................

A Gujarati Boy

One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most respected man, whom people consider God, who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."

As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is busin ess!"

Performance Pressure !

Poultry farm ke malik NE tammam Murgiyon ko Order diya

"Agar tum logon NE kal se Do -- Do ande nahi diye to kal se tumhara Dana pani band "

Murgiya Dar gayi ....sab NE do do ande diye magar ek NE sirf ek anda diya "

Malik "tum NE 1 anda hi kyon diya "

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Jawab mila

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"Sir ye aapke Dar ki wajah se diya hai waise main to Murga hoon"

Child Play

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, " Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Divorced Barbie

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have

' Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,

'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,

'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,

' Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,

'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and

'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.

The store manager replied: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings."

HOW MEN GET INTO TROUBLE

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, " Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe? " the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

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Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife? " the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez , You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez ."

BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

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February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!! !.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!! !

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March - Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

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April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... Power went out!!!

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May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

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June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

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July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

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August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm... ..car swamped because soft-top was open.

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September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

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October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

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November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.

Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

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December - Couldn't call 911...."duh"........ there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!