Landing at the secret airbase

United State Air Force has a high security, super secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

One afternoon, a Cessna landed at this "secret" base. The aircraft was immediately impounded and the pilot was interrogated.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They re- fueled his airplane, threatened him that if he lands again he would spend the rest of his life in prison, and let him go.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force personnel, the same Cessna landed there again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said,

"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

The Guys' Rules

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear " the rules " From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

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1. Men are NOT mind readers.

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1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

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1. Crying is blackmail.

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1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

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1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

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1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

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1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

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1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

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1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

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1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

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1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

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1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

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1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

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1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

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1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

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1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

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1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

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1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really .

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1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

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1. You have enough clothes.

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1. You have too many shoes.

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1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

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1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

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Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!

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The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

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The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

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The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

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She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

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Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

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Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

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Send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth !

For a change-Men from A Woman's Perspective

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?

A: Puppies grow up.

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Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?

A: Because they are...

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Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?

A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

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Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?

A: Who cares?????.. ...

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Q: What did God say after he created man?

A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

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Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?

A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

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Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

A: I) no mind ii) no business

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Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .

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Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?

A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

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Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

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Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?

A: Exchange him!!

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Q: Why do men like smart women?

A: Opposites attract.

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Pass this on to some women who need a laugh ..

And to men who can handle it !

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Chinese Design

it was the last few days for the American ambassador in china

madame ambassador decided to see the shanghai city before leaving for US

as she was passing through the by lanes she noticed a beautiful placard in front of Chinese shop

she gazed at it for few minutes and memorized the design in her mind

she immediately bought a beautiful satin cloth material and stitched the design she memorized , about the placard of chinese shop on the torso of the dress

she threw a farewell party to all and wore the dress flauntingly

every one was appreciating her design on her chest

but the chinese foreign minister saw and twitched his mouth and walked away

this happened few times

madame ambassador couldnt digest this-- she blocked his way and inquired how her dress and the design

he just twitched his mouth and didnt say any thing

she demanded he say about her design

he said twitching his mouth " madame ambassador , i am sorry the design says---- licensed prostitute of sahnghai city 20 yuans"

Never Make a Woman Angry

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for

Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates and saw a

beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had

loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling

greetings to her, "Hello. How are you! We've been waiting for you!

Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a

wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the

woman asked. "Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her

into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to

watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was

guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh,

I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I

married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were

ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and

I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all

around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water

skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How

do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her

husband asked. "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", she

replied.

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to pay!

NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the supposed

lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters).

Now you've learned a new word.

Chit Chat

A pharmacist told his new assistant to be polite to every customer that came in. "If you're stuck for conversation, talk about the weather," he advised.

When the pharmacist came back from having his dinner, the assistant was sporting a lovely black eye. "So much for your advice," moaned the assistant.

"What happened?" asked the pharmacist.

"Well, this woman came in for a packet of sanitary napkins. Trying to make conversation, I said that it looked like it was going to be a dull weekend…" :)

15 PIECES OF ADVICE FOR WOMAN

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

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2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

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3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

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4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

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5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

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6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

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7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

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8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

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9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

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10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

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11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

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12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

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13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books .

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14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

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15. Sadly, all men are created equal!

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Women are always Clever

Man: " Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"

Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"

Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"

Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "I know how to please a woman ."

Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."

Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."

Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."

Man: "Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"

Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"

Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your body is like a temple."

Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."

Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."

Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there ?"